It’s an innocent but loaded question. "Do you have brothers and sisters?" Instantly, my mind goes through the possible answers. I could just tell them about my brother Eric. But how could I not mention Nate and Courtney? They deserve to be included as my siblings. I don’t want it to seem as if I have forgotten them. I could say, "Oh yeah, I have two brothers and a sister." But then they might ask how old they are or where they live and I'll be forced to launch into the explanation of their deaths. I could just cut to the chase, and tell them about how I have a brother and a sister that both passed away. It's not that I mind telling people. It's simply that I know how the conversation is going to go. No matter what the scenario, the response is always the same.
"Oh, I'm so sorry!"
I can't help but think to myself, "Really? Why? What did you do?" I know that it is just the polite thing to say. I'm guilty of it too. But it doesn't help. I don't know how to respond. All I can really say is, "It's fine," even though it isn't fine.
I was 2-years-old when my sister died from Chondroblastic Osteogenic Sarcoma. She was 8, and the second youngest child at the time to have this form of bone cancer. Since I was only 3 months old when she got sick, I don’t remember her before crutches or with hair. I was 8 when my brother drowned in a rip current at Ship Island. He was 19. I don't remember my sister as well as my brother because I was so young. But it doesn't change the fact that I lost her. I lost them both. I have memories of them both. And every day I have to remind myself that they are gone.
Losing a sibling is one of the hardest things to go through. My relationships with my brother and sister weren't love/hate. It didn't involve any kind of sibling rivalry, probably because of how much younger I was and because they lived with their mom. Every single memory that I have with them is filled with laughter and heart warming feelings. But because I lost them, every memory is now tainted with that feeling of heartache. I will never get to ride shotgun in Nate’s truck again listening to music that I'm not supposed to tell mom he let me sing with him. I will never chase my sister around the living room or have a tea party again. Every time I think about them will always have an accompanying feeling of anguish because I don't get to make new memories with them anymore. It’s hardest at family functions like my older brother Eric’s wedding. We can’t help but feel that 2 of us are missing when we gather together for the pictures.
I am now older than both of them were when they died, which is a weird feeling. I will only ever remember them as 8 and 19. They won't grow up or have careers or get married. They won't see me graduate college or see me get married. Losing them means that the memories that we could have had are also gone.
If there is anything that I have learned from losing them, it is to be thankful for the people that are still here. You never know when someone won't be there tomorrow. I am thankful for the brother I still have because he has more memories of them than me and always has a story he can tell me about them. I am thankful that they were good siblings, and that I was their baby sister that they loved and adored. I am thankful for the time that I did have with them because that time is more precious to me than anything.
So even though the question is inevitable and hard to answer, it would be even worse if they were ever forgotten. The truth is it doesn’t become easier. You just learn to live with and manage the reality of losing your siblings.
