I told you I'd do one confession at a time, so we're moving on to my next secret. Ever since I decided to leave Tallahassee, I've been getting looks from the same people who can't bare to leave. It's the look of disappointment mixed with a slight resentment. Any communication I had with you got cut off because you believed I wasn't strong enough to handle the pressure ( which may be true ).
The truth is, I DIDNT give up- I grew up. I wanted to believe Tallahassee was my cup of tea. Since I graduated high school, all I could focus on was attending Florida State University not realizing that it really wasn't the college for me.
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I was obsessed with this idea of new people, starting over, being on my own and starting my life- that I missed the red flags. No one, and I mean NO ONE was cool with the idea of me going to this small town. It started off with my boyfriend of two years ( if we even want to call him that LOL), he despised the idea. I blamed this on his insecurities and poor judgment for my future. Then my friends started growing skeptical about it when an ex-fling decided to move there also (who turned out to live down the street from me- HA). After all that, word got to my mother who blew up. She agreed with them, and as hard-headed as I am, I rebelled against them ALL.
The obsession with this school started to take root into my relationships. It crumbled them and left me with nothing. I convinced myself that it was okay. Who needs relationships when you're starting over anyways, right ?
WRONG. Shortly after arriving to Tallahassee, the FAMU community pulled me in. I won't lie to you, they are the greatest FAMUly you could ever meet. They would advise me on what to do and how to do it. These people loved me unconditionally, and I grew to love them.
But I couldn't ignore the mess I left behind. There were times I couldn't call my friends back home because they weren't any left to call. No one knew my history which is exciting but kind of annoying because you can't share an insider with a stranger without going into full depth of the situation that led to you bringing up something clearly irrelevant . My mother was sulking into the bitterness of my mess and spreading it to my family who were in clear disapproval. So I obviously never called any of them either.
Then the lions gate portal opened. My emotions overpowered me and I had to lay my reality in front of me. The plans I set for myself weren't going anywhere near the direction they should have been. Which was completely unacceptable, because I started to feel ordinary. The fascination of Florida State turned me to an ordinary girl from The Valley.
I wasn't meant to be ordinary. I feel it in my bones the extraordinary woman, I will become. There's so much more to me than what I left behind. To become the woman I want to be, I had to go back to where I started.
It's clean up time. I've learned so much about myself in the course of five months. If you're a seasoned reader of mine, you know and have seen the growth within me. There's so much more work left to do and I'm committed to the clean up.
I'm going to find the strength to love again. I'm going to find the courage to fight for what I believe in. I will overcome the tragedies I've witnessed. I will uncover my sins and bring them to light. I'll cleanse my body of all the dirt I've put into it. I will GROW and PROSPER. Then I'll move forward into my life, and even if it won't be in Tallahassee, I'll be happy.
College is a great time but when you have no support team back home, you're on your own. Being on your own is great, you learn plenty of things. You learn who you are and who you want to become. It's the whole point of leaving home and experiencing college. Some people need four years for that; I just needed five months.
Call me the Kim Kardashian of Colleges, because that's how short this experience felt like. It's not over, but that part is. I'll find my Kanye of college, and then take off. For now, I'm going to live like I've never lived before.
That might sound crazy to you, but to me it's everything I need. I want to thank the FAMUly I personally call my own, that shed some light on the extraordinary woman I will become. You believed in me at a time I couldn't believe in myself. For that, I'm forever in debt to you.
As Aphrodite emerged from the sea, I also will come up from the foams of the water that hit the shore. You'll see when the flowers begin to spring up under my feet; and when I walk into the room you'll feel nothing but admiration and joy for the woman I've become.
For now, let me go and let me grow.
