Recently, a few of my friends went through break ups that were extremely tough and emotionally straining for them. The hardest thing to do as a friend is to give constructive advice, especially when you’re possibly even more mad at their ex than they are.
Responses like, “We can get the whole squad to dump drinks on him next time we see him out if it will make you feel better” are meant well, but are usually not as constructive as actual, real ways to make the post-breakup slump better. So here are a few of the things that I would tell my friends post-breakup.
Do's
1. Stalk yourself on social media. “Okay, so like, what? Stalk myself?” Yes. Stalk your own social media the same way you would stalk that girl that liked your ex’s most recent post. Get deep into your own Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Find some really good examples of you having a good time before you met your ex. Screenshot them, print them out, put them on your mirror where you’ll see them, and remember that YOU HAD A LIFE BEFORE THEM and you will after, too. Even look back to when you were dating someone else (if your social media goes back that far) and then the after-breakup pictures where you started having fun and thriving again. Remind yourself that life DOES go on.
2. Let yourself have wine-induced cry fests on occasion. It’s okay to wonder who finally dragged him out to see that band you were dying to see perform live. But don’t dwell on it too long.
3. Get outside (or the gym). Even if you’re not the kind of person to live at the gym, working out can make you feel better about everything. As the great Elle Woods said, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy." If you’re taking care of your health, you’re more likely to have a positive outlook on life and feel that positive changes are still happening. (No, I’m not saying to stay away from ice cream).
4. Make a list of all the things you wanted to do but never had time to do because you were doing couple things. Go to that new brewery with some gals. Go hiking on a trail that you heard was fun. Go take a wine and painting class.
5. Binge-watch the show on Netflix that you loved, but he was never interested in.
6. Teach yourself to be comfortable with yourself. Break ups are usually hardest when you’re wide awake at 2 am and there is no one to talk to. If the walls start closing in, get out of your room. If it’s a reasonable hour, go for a hike. Do something on the list of things you want to do. Get involved with a volunteer group or a church class. If it’s 2 AM, take a bubble bath with some candles and treat yo’self. But don’t let your loneliness get to you, because that’s when you find yourself texting him “just to check up,” and even if it temporarily makes you feel better, it doesn’t fix anything in the long run.
Don'ts
1. In my opinion, moving on with other guys never truly helps you cope with the loss of a person you cared for—especially if it is a guy you don’t care about, but knew would be convenient. That just makes another mess on top of the one you’re already in. It might be a distraction, but you just transfer your thoughts from one guy to another, without ever addressing your hurt feelings and learning to be happy with yourself. In my experience, you either end up hurting the new guy because he wants more than you are emotionally prepared to give, or you get even more hurt when they don’t do the same things you loved that your ex did.
2. Don’t subtweet or sub-post about it. If you know me, you know that subtweeting was my life for the better part of college. I’m the queen of passive aggressive. But I’ve learned that it’s a lot more freeing to address issues with people and then try to dwell on other things. When you put out all your issues on social media, you invite negativity into your life. What you dwell on is what manifests in your life. Stay positive, and keep your business to yourself (and your close, trustworthy friends—not your 900+ followers), and you will find that you have less drama and more happiness.
3. Don’t isolate yourself. Quiet time is good. Cutting yourself off from everyone and everything will increase your loneliness.
4. Don’t talk about the break up constantly. Again, what you dwell on will manifest in your life. If all you talk about is your breakup, your friends are going to get exhausted, and you’re going to feel negative all the time.
5. Don’t throw away things they gave you in the heat of the moment. Even if your breakup was mutual, it can feel necessary to purge your room of anything they gave you. Don’t throw that stuff away in the heat of the moment. If you want it out of sight, box it up and put it in the attic until you can think clearly about what you want to do with it. I threw away and sold some possessions that I loved in the heat of the moment, and now they’re gone forever. Sometimes it’s better to wait until the anger and hurt has passed, and then decide.
6. Don’t unfriend them on social media because you feel like you should. If it truly helps you to remove them, go ahead. However, if you know you’re going to get drunk and send them a friend request at 3:15 am so you can see if they’ve moved on yet, save yourself the embarrassment and just change your settings to where you don’t see their posts.
I am in no way a break up expert. I just hope that I can contribute a little help to everyone going through that tough period of time after a break up.
