" Writing is something you only get better at the more you do it and the more life you amass to inspire your writing. Worry about enjoying writing, experimenting, playing with it. As my old journalism professor used to say: a real writer is one who writes." This quote is written on the inside of the journal my best friend Maddy gave me before I left for college for the first time. It was originally written by one of our favorite authors, Gayle Forman. Below the quote, Maddy wrote, "Hadds, I believe in your writing."
There is not a single page left in that journal or in the second journal I had to get when the first one's pages ran out. I wrote about everything last year. I wrote about the sadness that I always covered up with a smile; I wrote about strangers and how lonely I felt being constantly surrounded by them. Eventually, those pages turned into prayers. I wrote down prayer after prayer to God to end the pain that I was in. I wrote out Bible verses that I found for the first time that explained my thoughts better than I could have myself. I wrote, and I wrote, and as the pages filled, the pain I carried around began to feel lighter.
By taking time to journal and pray to my Heavenly Father, I was able to process what I was experiencing and why it was so hard. It was a year of being completely renewed. For the first time in my life, I was aware of how empty I was. I stained the pages of my journal with tears as I became aware of how desperately I needed to be filled by the Holy Spirit and how long I had chosen to ignore God. It was Him, and Him alone that saved me from the darkness and brokenness in my life.
It's not always easy to choose to journal when what needs to be written down is not something you want to think about or deal with. As this semester has started with many unexpected challenges, I've been struggling to face all of my thoughts and put them on paper. I've been choosing to avoid journaling because I know it isn't going to be easy, so I keep going forward. I distract myself with everything else, and just fake it till I make it. I choose to keep moving because I don't want to stop and be still.
Then, last week, I fell off a longboard. It hurts to walk. It's almost impossible to put on my left shoe. I do not enjoy doctor appointments, to begin with, but going alone to a place you've never been to while getting worse and worse news is pretty horrible. The heath services PA sent me to see an orthopedic doctor, and the orthopedic doctor sent me to get an MRI, and the MRI person is giving me my results soon, but overall they all told me the same thing: to rest it. They all told me to stop moving and be still. I nearly broke down at every appointment. This wasn't an option anymore. I needed to surrender. I needed to rest in Him and rely on Him for the strength I thought I could have on my own.
"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). Know that the God of the universe is in control, and sometimes He puts us in circumstances that we can not control, so we can realize that He is. He wants us to be vulnerable and honest with Him and with ourselves. It is the only way we can overcome and move past each mountain and every trial we face. So journal. Write hard and clear about what hurts. Stop trying so hard to do it all on your own and let God hold you. Let your Heavenly Father love you, because you need His love. We can never fully rest until every part of us rests in Him. Cry out to God, and make yourself time to be still and know. He is God, and we are His.
