For nearly nine years now, I've struggled with some sort of depression. The anxiety I've had for a few years less. It started when I was 12. My grandfather, my best friend, died. I had watched him grow sicker as I grew older, but then I quite literally watched him die. I don't know if there are really words for that experience. I missed a lot of school. Then I went into cyber school and became nocturnal. I stayed awake until just before my dad went to work so he wouldn't know, and then I slept all day. For a solid 2 years, my only friend was a therapist that I was seeing. He never knew the real reason I was there. You see, at 12 I really truly believed that I had killed my grandfather because I stopped praying for him. I've since worked through that, but that was its own rough patch.
Then, my grandma moved out and with her my opportunity for regular church attendance. A year later, my parents began fighting. My dad made us choose. He blamed me. My parents separated. I got a boyfriend. I thought he loved me. He drained me. I moved. I switched schools. I lost friends. I gained bullies. I gained friends. I finally left my boyfriend. I went to college.
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College.
Nearly 6 years after depression began, I was faced with a fresh start. A place that made faith integration a priority. A place just far enough away to be new. I gained friends. I gained a boyfriend. My faith grew. My faith stagnated. I got engaged. Luke got mono. My grandma died. I kept all A's. The spring was easier. My faith blossomed like a crazy flower. My family was being evicted. I started junior year. Up. Down. Up. Down.
The frustrating thing about depression and anxiety is that they don’t always look like you expect them to look. Don’t get me wrong, there are days when the tears won’t stop. But there are other days when no tears come. There’s not even real sad. I just don’t want to get up. I don’t want to leave my bed. I stare at my homework and I can’t muster myself to do anything. I have sat for hours staring at the mound of responsibilities before me and have done nothing.
Sometimes I have to fight back tears because the lunch table got too crowded and I didn’t know what to do and Luke had left to get food. Sometimes my brother calls me during a movie and I get so frustrated that I get snippy. Sometimes the panic escalates that I’m scratching myself and I don’t know why. For me at least, sometimes depression and anxiety mean feeling like I have zero control over my emotions.
That sucks, my friends. It’s like being trapped in my own head and no one can totally understand what’s happening. Luke tries. Luke tries really hard. But he’s human. I’m human. And an emotionally unstable one at that. I don’t know how to be different and take control. I don’t know how just be happy or how to relax and not worry. I just don’t know.
I pray about it. I pray about it a lot.
I'm not denying the mind blowing ability of God to completely heal me and change my life to be bubbly Betty 'til the day I die. It can totally happen and some days I sob my heart out and wonder why it hasn't. But lately, I wonder if I’m supposed to resign myself to this. Because some days I am so grateful to have experienced the death of my grandfather. Sometimes I am glad to have gone through an awful divorce and endured the years of pettiness. I have been grateful to have gone through my past relationship. One day, I will find a time that I am grateful for my grandma's death.
These incredibly awful things have been used for such good in people’s lives. God has a plan for it all and I trust in that. I want nothing more than to do his will… even so, it’s hard sometimes. I need help.
Maybe someone you know has similar issues. Maybe someone you meet will have these issues. I think the most important thing I could tell you is to just be there. Sometimes all it takes is listening. Just let someone know that you are there. When I’m in the midst of an anxiety attack, Luke is like safety island. With him by my side, I can breathe. When I feel sad and lack motivation, being with people can boost my spirits.
Yet some days this doesn’t work. I feel like this is the hardest for me and for the people around me. Sometimes I am just sad and it feels like there is not a single thing I can do about it. I’m not trying to be defeatist, I’m just trying to explain what feels like this giant black mass absorbing my life force is.
If you’re experiencing this, I hope that you will not give up. I pray that you will strive towards the light and keep your head up no matter what. I pray God gives you the strength. If you know someone who is going through this, I pray that you will bear with them. I pray you have the strength to love them unconditionally and to love them through this. It is not easy.
There aren’t words to express my gratitude for Luke and his growing patience and love. He’s still figuring out how to do it though. If you’re experiencing this, try to tell the people you love how to help you. Let them know what you need so that they can help. If you’re the helper, be patient. They may not know what they need.
Please, both of you, never give up. One day these things will pass, even if it’s not this side of heaven.
