How lovely it is, waking up and falling asleep with a perfect face of makeup and a flawless outfit every day. You have a maid who makes your bed, gets your mail, and sleeps with your husband (oops?). You can become best friends by high-fiving someone three times, and you can simply look in the newspaper to become a professional criminal. Introverts, this is your time to gain social skills by talking to a mirror for hours. Yes, you are a Sim. Yes, your life is awesome. The only true adversity you’ve faced is that horrid night when you got robbed of your sink and a book.
Remember that girl who tried to get in your boyfriend’s pants? No longer are you confined to “being the bigger person." Gone are the days of having to “move on” by subtweeting and captioning your Instagram posts with inspirational quotes like, “Build a wall and get over it,” because I have news for you: you can build a wall around her, and watch her not get over it.
That’s the thing, though. It is so easy to die. Whenever you enter a swimming pool, you better watch your back -- the pool ladder can magically disappear and you’re left to swim in circles for hours and hours, until you tragically whither away. Making sushi is not that simple, as you’ll inevitably set it on fire and consequently sacrifice your body right in those soaring sushi flames. You’ll wave your hands profusely, scream in Sim language, but somehow you can’t manage to just walk a few steps to your right, where the fire hasn’t spread. Who knew raw fish wrapped in seaweed could be so dangerous?
Paranormal activity is no longer a theory or a myth. Those gravestones in your backyard will come to life, and those ghosts will clear out the contents of your refrigerator and float around your entire house. Heck, you can even talk to them. Or, you know, do other things with them (sicko).
In this perfect world as a Sim, you no longer have to worry about contraception. After you are done “leaping into arms” and “whispering in ear,” you and Zac Efron now face the impossible decision: will you simply “WooHoo”? Or is it time to “Try For Baby?" You already have two babies lying on the floor, closely resembling little burritos with green clouds surrounding them (change their diapers!). Seeing that you’re a sub-par mom, and that Zac has a wife, it’s probably a better idea to watch some porn instead. Here are your options:
Isn't your new life so blissful? Finally you can scoff at all your friends who wasted their lives slaving away for the sake of good grades, stellar SAT scores, and an impressive GPA. It's simply not about the smarts anymore to make money. All you have to do is type in "motherlode." Bingo. 50,000 Simoleons. I'll just sit here in my mansion, with five hot tubs and 20 potted plants while munching on some "Goopy Carbonara" as you spit out those SAT vocabulary words like you mean it.
Let out a big sigh of relief, because you no longer have to worry about all the times you kissed your best friend's boyfriend. All it takes to save what was lost is telling a joke. The same one. Over and over again.
Isn't it wonderful, such an easy life?
Well, I hate to tell you that it was all a lie, as your MacBook has 0 percent of battery life left, it is 3:45 a.m., your best frienddoes still hate you, your face is covered in Nutella, and your bed is the new home of cookie crumbs and popcorn kernels. Time to sleep.
