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Student Life

A Real-Life College Resume

0/10 would recommend submitting this to future employers.

Keri Sullivan

May 02, 2016

Stonehill College

www.snagajob.com

Education

Stonehill College, B.S. in bs

Have been bleeding purple from 2014 - forever.

Graduated with the honor of "D's get degrees."

Experience

DJ, Sheehan Hall, Room 114

Create dank playlists on Spotify.

Provide an inclusive and welcoming pre-game environment on the weekends.

Stack Cup Champion, October 2015 - present

Examines trajectory and force needed to successfully bounce a ping pong ball into a red Solo cup.

Runs the table with confidence and professionalism.

Strategically avoids getting b*tch cup.

Fashion Consultant, September 2014 - present

Sufficient at boob taping in a resourceful manner, can use duct tape, safety pins or even bathing suit pads in order to achieve maximum support for the girls.

Semi-effectively paint on winged eye liner while two shots deep, can put on mascara while three shots deep.

Life Coach, September 2015 - September 2015

Offered objective advice on various life problems of others, ranging from boy troubles to academic struggles.

Was let go after one week because no longer met qualifactions of having a life that was put together.

Skills

Consistency

The Dunks workers know my order by heart.

Time Management

Can make it to the Science Center from the Heights in under seven minutes when needed.

Has completed a 10-page research paper in a total of six hours.

Bilingual

Can speak English and SMS fluently, conversational in drunk white girl.

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A Real-Life College Resume

0/10 would recommend submitting this to future employers.

Education

Experience

Skills

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There are plenty of obstacles that come when taking care of kids, but it's a very rewarding experience.

1. You get excited when the parents purchase season passes to the pool.

2. You've become friends with the stay-at-home moms in town.

3. You get a chance to eat "kid foods" again.

4. You've traded in your cute purse for a large tote bag.

5. You have at least one car seat in your backseat.

6. Their nap time is your happy time.

7. Lunch time can be a disaster.

8. You have to play the same board games repeatedly.

9. You catch yourself using the same lines your parents once told you.

10. Your "mom-mode" kicks in at times.

11. Your heart melts a little when they do something cute.

You'll never find any souvenirs with your name on it

1. You know you are up next when the teacher pauses while taking attendance

2. When “I’m going to do my very best to make sure I know all your names” is said, it may or may be an empty promise

3. “Wow! That sounds so cool! Where is your family from?”

4. You dread when people ask you to repeat your name over and over because it “sounds so cool when you say it”

5. There’s a 50/50 chance that your name will come back either correct or incorrect at Starbucks

6. People try to find shorter, easier nicknames for you instead of calling you by your actual name

7. When someone famous or fictional character shares your name, you get so happy

8. “What’s your name?” “It’s [name]” “I’m sorry, what was it again?”

9. You’ve pretty much seen every misspelling and heard every mispronunciation of your name throughout your life

10. When you find another person with an “ethnic” sounding name, you both get excited

11. Despite the struggles, your name is pretty unique… just like you

Can I be excused for the rest of my life?

Don't Be That Person

1. “Oh, so you/your family are immigrants!”

2. “Is Puerto Rico near Mexico?”

3. “Do you speak Puerto Rican?”

4. “You look too light/dark to be Puerto Rican.”

5. “Do I need my passport to go to Puerto Rico?”

6. “Geez, you are obsessed with your flag. We get it, you’re Puerto Rican.”

7. “Why are you so loud?”

8. “So does your family know English?”

9. “Oh my god, Puerto Ricans are so spicy.”

10. “So did you eat a lot of tacos?”

11. “Are you Mexican?”

Love hard, every day, and never be ashamed.

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