The main fear most of our moms have these days if whether her little baby will be stupid enough to get behind the wheel of a car after having shotgunned a few beers in the bathroom of his/her best friend. I mean, college is an innocent time and for a lot of us, a time to develop ourselves and find out who we are outside of the shelter of our home.

In comes alcohol, a nectar of sorts. When all those times taking spoonfuls of whiskey and brandy when we had the sniffles wasn't enough, now we got Bud Light and of course, Bud Light Lime, not to mention the handles upon handles of vodka we buy for the "party" that our friend is throwing. So you hop in that Toyota your parents bought you a couple years ago, trying to show off to the girl that you've been "talking to" and head over to the party, where somewhere around 10 to 12 people show up. A few hours go by, you're drunk and now comes the biggest question of all, how am I going to get home.

In 2013, 31% of fatal car accidents in the United States had to do with drunk driving, whether it may have been because of swerving into other lanes or hitting a barricade. But as you can see on the number, a whopping 69% of accidents come from sober driving. So you tell me, what’s really the problem here?

When you think about it, drunk driving is fun, the rush you get having everything blurred in front of you, and hey, it may be hard at first, but like everything, with practice it gets easier. Pretty soon after enough practice a person will have enough ability to dodge all those sober drivers driving people home or driving themselves that clearly account for 69% of this country’s accidents. Why not make driving a little more fun and challenging, numbers don’t lie and clearly sober drivers are out causing more problems on the road than us drunk drivers.

If you want to experience a thrill that gives you solace as well as excitement, nothing is more stimulating than the blurred vision and slurred words when you’re driving a car full of people that are drunk and need to get home. You jump a few lanes and oh, there’s sirens behind you. But is that such a bad thing, sure you go to jail and sure you have it on your record but who cares? You just got a pretty sweet place to sleep for the night and you can pee right next to your bed essentially, I mean isn’t that the dream.

Girls will think you’re attractive too. Stumbling around at parties and then reaching for your keys, what could be more attractive than that? Girls will love the sight of you essentially falling down the stairs, not even being able to walk properly and then getting behind the wheel of a car that your parents paid for. They’ll totally hook up with you that same night if you aren’t the type that enjoys driving into trees and having AAA come and pick you up, granted you or any of them survive.

So the moral of the story here is, alcohol is a gift, bestowed to us by the Gods and what could be more fun than driving drunk.

And for everyone that didn’t understand this, this is purely satirical.