Well, I have been waiting for this season premiere for as long as I can remember. These are my absolute roots.

I present to you my second, extremely unprofessional review of the "Real Housewives" phenomena: Jersey edition.

* * *

1. Opens with Tre talking about her mom and how she just got sick. And I know for a fact that she passed away because I saw many Instagrams. God damn.

2. Why does Gia have me crying in the club. Again. Last time she did this was at Milania's 5th birthday party when she sang the Shakespearian-like lyrics of "First you were one, then you were two, then you were three, then you were four, and now you are fiiiiiiiiive"

3. I couldn't be happier that the season opener is Milania. That girl needs her own reality TV show. I would call it Milania the Mess. Also- Audriana is 7? I have been watching this show for too damn long... 'before she was born' as the old-timers would say.

4. Teresa: "ATTIVITIES" let's use those Cs!

shit up because if you weren't you wouldn't have been asked back.

6. Siggy: I can't wait to watch your children disrespect you for literally no reason whatsoever

7. Siggy! Your son is from New Jersey? And is going to Penn State?

8. This show LITERALLY has me crying with Tre and Joe with their dad I can't even make fun of it or add a funny gif

🙃

9. Love this recap of Teresa flipping a table. Never gets old

10. Can Siggy say anything without SCREAMING it? "Let's go to Boca" the best place ever. Jews and Jersey girls! Fun fact: me and Siggy use the same keratin lady.

11. So when Siggy says, "Can you hold my hand because I usually fall out of cars" it's is okay for her to say because she is famous but when I say "Can you hold my hand because I usually fall out of cars" when I am blacked out it's not? I hate this double standard.

14. OH, Margaret, you have a husband named Joe? That's unique!

15. Siggy is SO me, she specifically picked a restaurant where she knows everyone and screams about it for 30 minutes. This is equivalent to me only putting songs on the AUX that I know the words to.

16. Margaret: Yeah, me leaving my husband was the biggest scandal ever. Okay Margaret, have you EVER heard of Monica Lewinski???

17. Teresa: I'll have a "mimosis."

18. DUDE WHAT??!?!?!?! DANIELLE STAUB? This was totally a coincidence that she is at the same place. This all happened mad fast.

19. Oh okay, they invited her. Thanks for the late clarification, Bravo!

20. When they can joke about Danielle getting her hair pulled. Inspiring.

21. Siggy: "I think I am the most talented person in the world" reality TV does WONDERS to people's ego

22. This season looks so stupidly dramatic I literally CANNOT wait.

23. Take a shot every time Siggy excuses someone's behavior with "We are from Jersey." It's what I do whenever I say or do something remotely inappropriate.