To the men reading this article: when was the first time that someone told you to “man up” or “be a man”? What was the background behind it? Do you ever tell any of your male friends to “grow a pair” or to “quit being a pu**y”? What would you say if I told you that all of this had far broader consequences than you may think it does? I have no doubt that the reason that we as a society are still talking about the gender wage gap, sexual violence, and sexual discrimination is because the horrifying system of beliefs that we call “toxic masculinity” have allowed men to harbor increasingly sexist worldviews. When we then talk about how to fix this, the proposed solutions always have the same basic foundation: we need to work on a personal basis to teach men how to treat women equally and respectfully. While these plans of action are obviously well-intentioned and extremely well thought-out, their key defect is that they do not recognize how deeply rooted these sexist beliefs actually are. The concept of toxic masculinity is introduced to men when they are young and only gets worse with age, and I am fully confident that this has directly produced the kind of horrible sexism we are forced to fight today.
Ironically, no individual has done more to expose the roots of false masculinity than former NFL all-pro Joe Ehrmann. Essentially, Ehrmann has identified three lies that boys and young men are told that contribute to their definition of what it means to be a man—namely, that masculinity is defined by athletic ability, monetary gain, and sexual conquest. In other words, a boy first learns that masculinity necessarily means dominating the competition on the sports field and the playground. Then, he is told that to be a man he has to outperform all others in business. Finally, and I believe most crucially, he learns real men are champions in the game of sexual conquest, and that manipulating and dominating women is justified. As Ehrmann points out, none of these ideas have anything to do with true, compassionate masculinity, and each one of them has serious consequences.
When placed in the wrong hands, the sports field can become the worst place to raise a budding young man. Although not all coaches exploit their athletes, the worst of them will try to get the best performance out of their boys by hurtling objects at them and throwing tantrums, which is undeniably shocking. When some athletes respond by becoming upset or by crying, they are told to “grow a pair” or to “man up,” because God forbid you should play or act in any way like a girl! Indeed, the worst insult that you can give the youngest athlete is to say that he “plays like a girl,” or worse, “a fa**ot,” which implicitly teaches men that they are better and stronger than their female/male homosexual peers. In their minds, boys are strong, athletic, and in control of their emotions; girls are weak, slow, and uncontrollably emotional. They then further those developments in their psyche by watching professional athletes who are most guilty of turning their frustration into aggression, demonstrating that in a man’s world, violence is an appropriate way to deal with disappointment.
Then there’s the business world, where those stone-cold, dominant, aggressive tendencies are not just seen as assets, but as necessities. Any man who cannot meet the difficult demands of this world cannot be successful, and furthermore cannot be a true man. This is obviously not a woman’s place, because these men have already learned early-on that women are emotional and weak, unable to handle these immense pressures and better suited to more emotional work like the arts or social services. Even when they are not explicitly excluded from the business world, women then stick to secretarial jobs and are paid much less than their male coworkers. What’s worse, when a woman does exhibit these tendencies, she is a liability, not an asset. She is discouraged from speaking her mind because she will make rash decisions that could put the company at a severe economic disadvantage.
However, the ultimate man is not complete unless he is sexually dominant. Heteronormativity is instilled so assertively that when a man reaches high school and college, he knows for certain that real men have relationships (preferably of a sexual nature) with as many women as they possibly can. Real men never stop thinking about straight sex, they never stop talking about it, and they never stop pursuing it. Men are expected to be sexually promiscuous; modest men are labeled “prudes,” “queers,” or “fairies.” But women are absolutely supposed to be modest; those that aren’t, they’re “sluts.” And what if a woman resists his advancements? That’s not a problem whatsoever! Modest women are supposed to resist a little bit; better yet, apply a little bit more force because women enjoy a man who is dominant and arguably abusive. His pleasure is considered to be her duty.
This is the train of thought that allows sexism to encompass nearly all of society. This is how the gender wage gap and sexual discrimination are perpetuated. This is how a sex crime starts. And this is not a problem that I can distance myself from any longer. I grew up dealing with this bullsh*t. If I had just a dime for every time I was teased for not being athletic enough, for every time that I was mocked for being an artist, for every time someone told me to “grow a pair and go talk to that girl” because I was nervous, I could pay off my tuition, not to mention every time I have seen it happen to someone else. Words cannot possibly describe not just how much it hurts a young man to hear this crap, but also how much it hurts women when otherwise good young men are forced to buy into it.
Given all of this context, is it any wonder that men grow up thinking that women are inferior to themselves? No decent human being is hardwired from the beginning to operate this way. Some of the most beautiful aspects of elementary school boys are that they are compassionate, they are kind, they follow their dreams, they are respectful, and they are capable of showing great love towards both their peers and their elders. They exhibit all of these tendencies until the system beats it out of them and instructs them on how “big boys” are supposed to behave. We already know that the critical issues that we have with sexism and sexual misconduct are not individual problems, but rather societal problems. And for as much as it may feel so good to go online and share or retweet posts that eviscerate sexist pigs, until we take a serious look at the world in which we are raising our young men and take vital action to reform it, none of these problems are actually going to change.
