What you're about to read is something that very few people know. It's my story, and it's probably one of the hardest things I will ever write. It is a long story so bear with me. As you read this, I ask that you do not treat me or people in my situation differently, but instead treat them with love. Treat them like a human. Don't step away from them because of where they used to be and maybe still are but welcome them with open arms because those are the people that they will remember forever.

I grew up in a religious home. Church every Sunday and Wednesday. We were known by not only our own congregation but also those of my grandparents and a couple of relatives. I have always been around the church and I know who God is, but my demon gained control for a big part of my life.

I was always the brother that stuck out. I didn't play sports. I hung out with mostly females. I enjoyed school. I was basically the opposite of all of my brothers. My struggles started in seventh grade. Although I had absolutely no sexual experience at that age, a rumor started that I did. With the same sex. I denied it every time, but had a hard time getting many people to believe me since I didn't 'fit in' with the guys. In my small hometown, the fact that I had mostly female friends and had nice handwriting and played the French Horn meant that I could not be straight.

The rumors got so bad that for every one person who had my back three others where spreading the rumor. As it continued on, I started believing it myself. I questioned who I was. I started experimenting and letting that sin control my life. I tried hiding it from close friends and family but with three brothers and a mom who knows all of our friends and works for the schools, rather than successfully hiding it, I was lying about it to everyone. I went through several interrogations with my parents which I lied through because of our religious background.

Through my youth group, I grew close to a few adults and let them in to what I struggled with but did not find much help from them. Mostly because I continued to tell people it was over. That I didn't struggle with that life anymore. It was easier for me to lie to people than to try to talk about it because I couldn't believe the pastor saying "someone in this room knows what you are feeling and what you are going through and they are ready to pray with you." I felt like I was the only person in the world that was going through this situation. I got baptized at a summer camp with that youth group for my first time and knew that it wasn't right since I had sinned so horribly. The night I got baptized and started trying to help myself through the struggle because I really didn't want anyone to know that part of my life. My efforts failed and I fell right back into the life I wanted to forget so badly.

Although I continued to live that kind of life, I told myself that I was fine. That I didn't need help and that there was nothing I needed to change. I continued attending church and putting up a front, telling people that those rumor were lies. A couple of years after that baptism I remember coming home from an over seas tour and finding my mom, dad, and step-parents at my gate with conversations I had had through text and such. That was the first night that dizziness and light-headedness hit me heavily. I halfheartedly admitted that part of my life to them and assured them that I was getting through it as I put most of my effort into not passing out from the anxiety I was feeling.

I practically lived in a state of depression from lying to everyone that I held so close to my heart. I knew something had to change and when my youth pastors wife (who was one of the adults that I let in towards the top of this story) came to me and asked me to do a cardboard testimony.

For those who don't know what a cardboard testimony is, a person writes their struggle on one side of the board (ex. drugs) and on the other, what God has done for them (ex. sober x amount of time).

When she asked me to do this I initially said no. After thinking about it more I pulled her aside to talk to her a little bit. I finally said yes and she said I would be the third person to show my board to the congregation. Talk about anxiety. I was so worried about how a congregation of southern baptists would react to such an uncommon and disgusting struggle. Besides the youth pastors wife, only one other person knew what my board said and I was careful to keep it that way until it was time to show the church.

On Sunday morning, approximately 20 or 30 people gathered back stage with boards ranging from children out of wedlock to children of rape to being told they had weeks to live. There I stood with my board squeezed up against the wall less than 30 minutes before we started the testimonial program when I started to bawl to the second person who knew what was on my board. The only other person that stood behind the same door as the two of us, without knowing why I was crying, gave me a huge hug and I immediately felt a sense of relief from the two people. As the music started, the first two people exited to the stage and then it was my turn. I walked out with the front of my board reading "chained in homosexuality", still crying my eyes out and saw three people. First, my mother who was also bawling because a) she's emotional towards testimonials and b) I was pouring out my heart in a few simple words. Second, I saw my youth pastor's wife who had tears in her eyes and a big smile on her face giving me the thumbs up, proud of what I was doing. And third, the other girl who knew previously also with a huge smile and an arm ready to give me a big hug. Still standing in center stage I flipped my board over and got a satisfying applause at the words "Forgiven and FREED." This event was the first time I really felt that I was finally able to overcome the struggle and turn myself around. I felt the love of a congregation supporting me and not looking down on me.

Although I continued to struggle with it after that major turning point, I truly felt equipped with friends and family and a faith that was guiding me to a new life. At the end of high school and my transition into college, I found friends who I could talk to about those issues and those people who I could continue to maintain a good relationship with. I found friends who love me for who I am and I don't have to fear them avoiding me because of my sin.

To give you an idea of my first three years of college and how my perspective changed and an example of the friends that I have gained, here are a couple of true stories.

First, my second semester of school, I had a group of friends who were athletes that I hung out with regularly. One of them turned out to be poisonous to my life, however, he was the one who proved the other friendships. Without recalling exactly how it happened, he treated me horribly one night and, after a life of rumors, I immediately assumed it was because of my past. I got really upset and sent a group message to all of those guys telling them exactly what I struggled with and basically told them that if they couldn't accept it to get out of my life. Following that message, I got a phone call from one of them telling me to come to their room where I found all of the guys ensuring me that they did not care about that and that they were going to be there for me.

The second story happened two full years later, I attended a new church where I knew one person. I joined him at a small group for the college students and young adults where they were discussing testimonies. They asked if anyone wanted to share one and without hesitation I stepped up. This was a huge step for me because I went from hiding it from my closest friends to blurting out this huge issue to about fifteen people that I had never met before. Of course I ended up crying during it but i felt no discord from the group. I felt love and acceptance from every single person in the room. I continue attending the church and have a whole new family because of it.

This brings me to today. I still struggle. It would be a lie to say that I didn't. Temptation comes almost every day and I do my best to fight it off. I surround myself with people i like to be around and who like me to be around, and although they don't realize it, their friendships strengthen me to be able to fight off the demons that attack me from every side.

To close my testimony I want to point out that this is not the full story. There are many parts that I am leaving out not because they are unimportant but because they would take much more time. I look forward to a future without those struggles. I look forward to having a family. I look forward to being that person that breaks a young person's belief that there is no one that can help them.

For those of you that want to hear more of my story, ask me. For those of you that know someone struggling, love them and equip them with a great friend. For those of you that would like have some tools to help you better understand the struggle of homosexuality in Christians, consider purchasing the book, Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas, or Out of a Far Country by Christopher Yuan.