It’s Friday night, and you’re home alone with a bottle of merlot and your matching PJ set. You scroll through Instagram, click through a few people’s pages, and get lost on the internet. Before you know it, you’ve double tapped on a 68-week old picture from your ex’s new fling’s beach family beach trip.
How did it get like this? Maybe it was the extra glass(es) of wine to placate your feelings. All you know is you’ve liked a picture of someone you shouldn’t even know. You’ve closed the apps, thrown the phone, and crumbled into your glass (bottle). Now you’re not only sulking about the photo but about the ex you threw away. You reminisce on the happy memories, storing the majority of your relationship to the back of your mind. You two were so good! Why did I ever call it off? Maybe I should call them…
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We’ve all been there. The vicious cycle of doubting your choices when times get rough or bottles empty. We seem to forget during these times the reasons we actually ended the relationship. Whether you broke up with her, he broke up with you, or you broke up with them, it happened. And it happened for a reason. If you’re lucky, it was a clean break.You didn’t have the awkward midnight phone calls or 2 a.m. string of texts. You didn’t cry over him in a public place or curse her name to the heavens.
Unfortunately, you’re probably not that lucky. Like me, you probably tried to take a break to see if they would change (but they didn’t). You probably still talked every day on your “break” and even did ~things~ you really aren’t supposed to do if you’re broken up. You hoped they would change. You prayed to every god you could summon, and you likely saw the change start. But it doesn’t stick, and then you’re stalking their new boo three months later on Instagram. Here’s what you need to do when it gets to this point.
Face the facts: You broke up for a reason. Whoever made the decision made it because they wanted better than what they were getting, wanted to be single, or it just flat out realized it wasn’t working. Deal with it. Get emotional about it when it is absolutely necessary, and put it away. It does no good to try to fix something that never was supposed to be together. You will survive this, just like you survived the weeks, months, or years of putting up with their emotional abuse.
Take a break from social media: It’s hard in our new world, but nothing is worse than seeing a picture of your ex-pop up in a picture wearing the shirt you bought them. Take. A. Break. Do a trendy social media hiatus and get back to the basics of 2005. Read a book, binge-watch a new TV show, and do whatever you can to avoid lurking. If you’re absolutely too attached to your Insta feed, consider blocking them. You won’t see any of their pictures, tweets, statuses, or anything they’re tagged in. It’s almost like they never existed (almost).
Take up a new hobby: You’ll need something to fill your new single time, so you don’t end up drowning your sorrows in alcohol and cheese puffs. Sign up for a pottery class, do yoga, go on hikes, or adopt a dog. Even better, do something physical, like take kickboxing. It’s good for your newly found anger, and better for your body! Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into a vortex of free time. Too much think time = too much sad time. Get up! Get out! Write a book! Anything to get you going and thinking about something other than your shitty ex.
Go to therapy: Hear me out. You get to spill your guts to someone who knows literally nothing about your past. All they know is that you broke up with a really terrible person, and they’re likely to take your side (because you’re kind of paying them to). A big plus is that they’re usually filled with helpful tips on how to cope with any emotions you’re feeling because they literally took the class on it.
Get comfortable with being alone: The worst thing you can do during this time is to try and fall for someone else. It doesn’t work that way. Embrace being alone. You’ve probably changed through this relationship, for better or for worse (probably better). Take the time to get to know yourself again. Write about your new desires for life, and not about what you want in a significant other. Make a five-year plan that doesn’t hinge on someone else. Become one with the idea that you can solve your own problems and be your own soulmate.
But...
Rely on your friends and family: The people that know you the best will help you the most. They see how good you are, and refrained from telling you how much your partner held you back (until it was time). They will pick you up when you need it, and guide you until you can fly on your own. Let them help and be your comfort.
I’m not saying any of these tips are easy, and some days all you’ll want to do is go through ~the box~ of their stuff. You’re allowed to miss your ex for the good times you had, and you can still sleep in their clothes when you need, but don’t let it become your life. It is YOUR life now, not ours. Live it.
