This week one of my best friends moved away. The night before she left there was a small dance party at her house that felt like any other time going over, minus the near complete lack of furniture. Eating watermelon with a spoon, good music, and Christmas lights are all you need to have a good time.
The laughs and singing still felt like any other time, until I hugged her before I got in the car to leave and it hit me. I can’t remember the last time I hugged her not knowing for sure when the next hug would be. I squeezed her and tried to remember all the plans she had waiting for her, and I pretended I didn’t want to cry.
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How should I have felt? Was I supposed to cry and give her an outpour of all the love she has given me and things she has taught me? Should I have laughed?
There’s no right answer. To any feeling, really. Whether you’re longing or grieving, celebrating or feeling content, there is no definition on how you will feel. But some people still think they have a place to tell you how you “should” feel.
You see, lately my mind has been flashing back on all that I have to say goodbye to, despite my going to college or not. There’s this program called Operation Snowball that I did in high school, where nearly all positive memories from the last three years of my life are connected one way or another. Operation Snowball is a weekend retreat where everyone lets their guard down to engage in honest conversation and be themselves.
My positive memories are rooted here because I surround myself with people who have the “Snowball” spirit. What am I going to do without that?
I’d like to say that when this coming fall retreat is happening and I won’t be there, I’ll be dancing to snowball songs and doing some random acts of kindness wherever I am. I’ll probably also cry and call my mom, but right now I have no idea how I’ll really feel in October.
There are people who argue I should let it go and continue with my life, taking the lessons I learned and spreading them. Of course I have no choice but to move on, I am excited for my future, but for anyone who had something as an integral part of their life for so long is an attachment that isn’t easy to say goodbye to.
One time I had an abrupt breakup I couldn’t quite make myself comfortable with, and I was on edge for a while after. There had been so many repercussions with my emotions and I was confused and insecure, unable to focus on schoolwork or my relationships with any other people who were important to me. One afternoon a friend told me, “It’s been like a month, shouldn’t you be over it by now?”
Ah, yes. My heart calendar’s broken, I’m sorry. Let me just get that fixed and I’ll be totally stellar by tomorrow. I forgot my feelings for him were supposed to expire in a few weeks, I forgot to read the fine print. I’m so silly!!!
There’s no exact time limit for your feelings. Relations between two people are unique and different situations create different feelings for everyone.
Will I cry when my family moves me into school and I have to watch them drive hundreds of miles back home? Maybe.
There is so much harm done when you are expected to react to a situation in a certain way. This happens all around us with the news, because there are multiple political disputes constantly happening at once. Pick your poison. Which will you care about? Will you care about any? To post or not to post: sending thoughts and prayers to the latest tragedy on Facebook. As communal as it may feel, are you really doing that? Will thinking about Turkey or Greece or Syria help the people suffering in any way, shape, or form?
Or did you post it because you thought it was the right thing to do? Just like crying or not crying feels customary at a funeral. Or being over something or not being over something is “how you’re supposed to feel”.
I’ve cried after concerts. Sometimes that shit ending is sad to me! Devastating! Waiting 6 months to see Justin Bieber and having him leave after a mere two hours! Horribly unfair! Heart crushing!
I’ve cried for people I’ve never met dying in countries I’ve never been to, and I haven’t sometimes.
I’ve laughed at a funeral.
I believe that so long as you’re not taking away from how anyone else is reacting to a situation, it’s okay to react however you truly are.
Cry (it’s a common theme), maybe go to your car and scream, laugh, be still, write, walk, eat, sleep, talk about it-- Do whatever you feel. And if you don’t know what to do or how you feel, that’s normal too.
But you don’t have to do what everybody else is doing.
