1. This handy organizer!

Everyone has lost the TV remote at least once in their lives. With this handy tool, you can always have the TV, and any other remote of your choosing, close to you at all times. Your phone. Your keys. A pen. All these things can be stuck to you and available at any time.

Bonus feature: it keeps your chin and forehead warm. I would rather walk around with my essentials attached to my head than have to get an iPhone.

2. Finally, an automated DVD rewinder!

This is every 90's child's dream, finally a way to rewind those pesky Compact Discs and DVDs. Do you miss fighting with your siblings over who gets to rewind the VHS tape? Do you miss inwardly cursing at the person that didn't rewind it before you got the rental?

Well now, all of those familiar feelings can be felt once more with this great household staple! Why get an iPhone when you can bring back nice family memories?

3. Umbrella Heels are the new rain boots.

This one's easy. Will your iPhone keep your feet dry and warm while being the epitome of fashion? I didn't think so. You're welcome.

4. Not just any Crocs, but yellow platform Crocs.

A great thing about crocs has always been their customizability. Now, with these platformed beauties, you can make a statement while making a statement. Why would I want an iPhone like millions of other people, when I could be truly unique as I strut around campus in these?

5. The hair tie of the future.

I always have a hard time finding a hair tie when I need one, and I hate when your pesky hair gets in the way of what you're doing. Don't be fooled, this product isn't just great for when you're eating. It can also be used for doing homework in your room, taking a test in class, or just hanging around with friends when you're having a bad hair day.

Will your iPhone help you in any of these situations? No. With an iPhone, you're short a thousand dollars and still have hair in your soup.

6. Portable, wearable toilet paper.

Have you ever been somewhere and thought, "Wow, I could really use some toilet paper right now"? But when you reached into your pocket, all you pulled out was an iPhone. How are you supposed to wipe your face, or any part of your body, with an iPhone and get clean?

Whether you have a runny nose, you're in a public restroom, or you just want to be prepared for anything, this headpiece allows for fashion and function that go beyond the scope of an iPhone. The best part is, the replacement pieces for this are sold, not individually for $100+ per screen.

7. On a more healthy note...

Time to tackle more serious issues: health and wellness. No technology can help you achieve wellness the same as a balanced meal and proper hydration. When you hydrate, make sure to stay away from the regular water with those trans fats; they're no good for you.

Low fat and diet water are definitely the way to go. If you were stuck in a desert, diet water would help keep you alive for weeks. An iPhone would run out of battery in a day.

8. Just in time for Halloween!

If you were looking for a way to get into the Halloween spirit this season, look no further. What is more spooky than sitting on a toilet covered in unknown, glowing chemicals? What would be more unnerving in a dark room than wondering if other people could see your butt glowing?

What's more startling than a cold toilet seat in the morning? Not an iPhone, that's for sure.

9. Even THIS horrifying item.

Are you tired of pooping rounded shapes? Well boy, do I have a product for you. I'm not going to go into the details, but man, will you be happy when it's all over.

10. Snow shovels for the winter!

If you buy a shovel, it will never snow. I think that's how the philosophy goes. When you've got shoes for the rain, it seems only fair that you also get these little shovels for when it begins to snow.

Why wear snow boots and use a normal shovel when you can throw on your six-inch stilettos, strap on these shovels, and practically watch the snow melt before your hotness?

11. And this handy device.

We're nearing the end. As you wind down, you may find yourself wanting to kick back and open a cold one with the boys. Don't you just hate actually having to hold the cold one? Doesn't it get...cold?

Well now, you don't have to touch a can ever again! Really, the only way I can think an iPhone would be useful here is as a coaster so your table doesn't get cold, either.

12. The best reminder!

Last but not least, we have a way to remind ourselves of what's important. Sure, I guess you could set alarms on your phone or schedule items in your calendar. But why do that when you can be hip with all the youngins and sport some sick ink? This is a perfect opportunity to try out that grocery list tattoo you've always wanted before you get it for real.

Just put it on, see how you feel, buy some milk, and if it still seems like a good idea at the end of the day, go get that bad boy inked on. I mean, you buy some of the same items every time anyway, right?