All I’ve been able to see and feel are balloons and a gun pressed against my temple. I’ve been cold ever since. I remember the inside of that car very vividly, how fast the car said we were going, and a new-car smell, the cupholders, the leather seats, and the tears of terror threatening to roll down my face. For these past few days, it seems I can never get out of that car. That car did nothing to me, but the person inside of it did: he raped me. He took advantage of a guy who was so weak and shaken that his panic attacks were causing him to throw up blood and vomit. In these following days, my life has been hell. My friend has a brain tumor, my grandfather is in the hospital and I am genuinely scared for my life. However, I am not going to let that stop me. I have a voice to be heard, and even though writing about this takes a lot out of me, I hope that I can help other people, and even myself, who have been through similar circumstances. Rape takes a lot out of you, it does, and everyone deals with things in their own way. It’s been really challenging for me, learning how to handle everything, but you have to learn how to focus on a few things.
You have to realize that it’s not your fault. You didn’t do any of it; you were not asking for it. These things happen, and it’s awful when they do, but you have a choice in how you react: you can cower down and fade into the gray, or you can emerge and become victorious. I, we, you, are not rape victims. We are humans; we may have been through these things, but we have to pick our feet up and run again. We will not let the guy or the girl who did this to us define us. We are so much more than that. We all have so many talents, and we are so beautiful, and we can’t let the person who did this to us take that shine away. I know that it is a lot easier said than done, but we have to stand up and fight. We will not be knocked down, and we will be a phoenix out of the ashes. Just because something means that it will break you, doesn’t actually mean that it will. Do not let that person take away more than what they already took from you. The only thing you can do is heal. The road to healing is long, infinite perhaps, but it’s a good, healthy road to be on. After something bad happens, you just have to pick yourself up from that fall and keep walking. It doesn’t matter if the walk is slow, but eventually, you will be able to stride again. It’s really difficult at first, because you may be scared, but you learn to try to take the fear away, and it’s okay to be scared. I was and honestly am. The only thing that can heal something like that is time, but not giving up is monumental. It shows your resilience as a human, and that you deserve good things.
Eventually, we have to learn to forgive, because maybe one day you could be something big and you could even thank that person for seeing how far they got you. That person may have ruined your life momentarily, but I promise they will not ruin your entire life. It may scar you, and teach you self-awareness. Another thing, don’t remain quiet. You need to speak out about it, show them that you are way stronger than what they perceived you as. And when you do, you may see how many people support you and love and care of you. Things like that should bring people closer to you. Things like that teach you who your true friends are. People will respect you more for speaking out about it. Don’t blame yourself for anything, saying things like “Well, if maybe I would’ve done this, things would’ve turned out differently.” Don’t do that. Please don’t do that. Take the walk to healing and do things that make you happy, and most importantly, don’t ever give up. Your resilience is beautiful and admirable, and your beauty is striking. Don’t let anyone take that from you because you’re more than that. I hope that maybe my words, whether you’re reading this on a computer or a phone, can resonate with you, and show you that you’re not alone. You will never be alone because I will continue to fight and I encourage everyone else to.
