The Super Bowl Halftime Show has seen it all – from a tear-jerking, post-9/11 performance by U2, to a live rendition of “Indiana Jones”, to a show from the moonwalking legend Michael Jackson himself. But in 2004, one nipple nearly brought the entire legendary stage crashing down. Panic, chaos, mass hysteria, and then glimpses of redemption. Here is the definitive ranking of Super Bowl Halftime Shows that have played out in that nipple’s mighty shadow.
13. Tom Petty 2008
In early post-nipple America, safety was key. No more shimmying pop stars and sex appeal, time for some old white guys who play guitar. Following a few all-time rock gods though, settling for the moderate-great Petty made it clear that this strategy wouldn’t last forever.
12. Coldplay 2016
Coldplay’s transition from songwriting falsetto darlings to a sort of London rock version of The Wiggles may have reached its apex at this performance in which they did not even attempt to imitate a genuine human emotion. Beyoncé and Bruno Mars did – too bad they had both performed already within the past three years. Not a nipple in the U.S. was hard for this soulless Camp Rock bogussery.
11. The Who 2010
Closing out the post-nipple-old-white-guys-who-play-guitar era was The Who. The brilliant rockers who famously sang “I hope I die before I get old” did not have their wish granted, but did get to bore millions at the start of decade two of the millennium.
10. Bruce Springsteen 2009
Springsteen is a showman, there’s no doubt about it. But he also brought a soul patch to the Super Bowl Halftime stage. The fact that that’s more acceptable than a nipple makes me wonder if the FCC has our best interests at heart. The best of the bad & boring.
9. Madonna 2012
Everyone made it out in 2012 to help Super Bowl fans forget that Madonna is a more accomplished celebrity than she is a musician – icons like LMFAO & a guy bouncing on like a circus wire. The amount of ensuing chatter surrounding a middle finger flashed by M.I.A. made Americans realize how much they yearned for the excitement of a controversial nipple.
8. The Rolling Stones 2006
At this point, the post-nipple-old-white-guys-who-play-guitar era was still fresh, and the docket still strong. The Stones lose major points, however, for treating America to “Rough Justice” off of their new album. Get up there and sing the stuff you wrote before you were 50, blokes.
7. Katy Perry 2015
The left shark, people – a Super Bowl Halftime legend. Katy Perry also rode a gigantic mechanical tiger at one point; it was pretty sweet. And for someone who has been criticized for flaunting what she got on “Sesame Street”, it’s commendable that Perry kept this performance nip-free.
6. Bruno Mars 2014
Mesmerizing as lil Bruno is on that stage, it’s upsetting that modern legends RHCP had to play undercard. They are famous for performing with nothing but socks on their dicks though. To give them too much power would possibly have meant risking that they somehow incorporate...a female nipple.
5. Lady Gaga 2017
After a stellar performance, Lady Gaga famously jumped right into oblivion – a glorious meme moment, a "mement". As she strutted around in football shoulder pads playing a goddamn key-tar, the whole nation witnessed that there is plenty of non-nipple stimulation out there.
4. The Black Eyed Peas 2011
It was all up to Fergie and the gang to usher in a new era. “We can’t stand the old white guys anymore, so we’re handing the ball off to you Keys! Now listen here. I know you are under the age of 40 and there are hip-hop influences in your music, but please guys, just this one night, you gotta give it all you got for me and fight! fight! fight! that urge to bust out anybody’s nipples! This country can’t handle another nipple, Keys! Whaddya say?" The Black Eyed Peas executed with poise.
3. Prince 2007
Smack dab in the middle of the post-nipple-old-white-guys-who-play-guitar era, the NFL made a progressive, bold statement by hiring this old black guy who plays guitar. People were still on edge back then, like the days after some horrific nuclear accident. When Prince started soloing in silhouette form America nearly relapsed into a frenzy -- “He’s simulating masturbation!” We soldiered on.
2. Paul McCartney 2005
Post-nipple year 001. Could America ever feel safe again? We watched through our fingers as Paul McCartney, reputed person with nipples, took the stage and then we were lulled back into comfort and joy with the wholesome singalong of "Hey Jude" with McCartney elvishly smiling behind the piano. Nobody could’ve done it better.
1. Beyoncé 2014
2004’s famous nipple would have been the least exciting part of this performance ten years later. Beyoncé looked like a superhuman entity dancing, singing, glaring, and absolutely dominating the stage. She set the bar by which post-nipple America is now evaluated.
