Ranking The Post-Nipple Super Bowl Halftime Shows | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Entertainment

Ranking The Post-Nipple Super Bowl Halftime Shows

That nip changed everything.

163
Ranking The Post-Nipple Super Bowl Halftime Shows
Wikipedia Commons

The Super Bowl Halftime Show has seen it all – from a tear-jerking, post-9/11 performance by U2, to a live rendition of “Indiana Jones”, to a show from the moonwalking legend Michael Jackson himself. But in 2004, one nipple nearly brought the entire legendary stage crashing down. Panic, chaos, mass hysteria, and then glimpses of redemption. Here is the definitive ranking of Super Bowl Halftime Shows that have played out in that nipple’s mighty shadow.

13. Tom Petty 2008


In early post-nipple America, safety was key. No more shimmying pop stars and sex appeal, time for some old white guys who play guitar. Following a few all-time rock gods though, settling for the moderate-great Petty made it clear that this strategy wouldn’t last forever.

12. Coldplay 2016


Coldplay’s transition from songwriting falsetto darlings to a sort of London rock version of The Wiggles may have reached its apex at this performance in which they did not even attempt to imitate a genuine human emotion. Beyoncé and Bruno Mars did – too bad they had both performed already within the past three years. Not a nipple in the U.S. was hard for this soulless Camp Rock bogussery.

11. The Who 2010



Closing out the post-nipple-old-white-guys-who-play-guitar era was The Who. The brilliant rockers who famously sang “I hope I die before I get old” did not have their wish granted, but did get to bore millions at the start of decade two of the millennium.

10. Bruce Springsteen 2009


Springsteen is a showman, there’s no doubt about it. But he also brought a soul patch to the Super Bowl Halftime stage. The fact that that’s more acceptable than a nipple makes me wonder if the FCC has our best interests at heart. The best of the bad & boring.

9. Madonna 2012



Everyone made it out in 2012 to help Super Bowl fans forget that Madonna is a more accomplished celebrity than she is a musician – icons like LMFAO & a guy bouncing on like a circus wire. The amount of ensuing chatter surrounding a middle finger flashed by M.I.A. made Americans realize how much they yearned for the excitement of a controversial nipple.

8. The Rolling Stones 2006


At this point, the post-nipple-old-white-guys-who-play-guitar era was still fresh, and the docket still strong. The Stones lose major points, however, for treating America to “Rough Justice” off of their new album. Get up there and sing the stuff you wrote before you were 50, blokes.

7. Katy Perry 2015


The left shark, people – a Super Bowl Halftime legend. Katy Perry also rode a gigantic mechanical tiger at one point; it was pretty sweet. And for someone who has been criticized for flaunting what she got on “Sesame Street”, it’s commendable that Perry kept this performance nip-free.

6. Bruno Mars 2014


Mesmerizing as lil Bruno is on that stage, it’s upsetting that modern legends RHCP had to play undercard. They are famous for performing with nothing but socks on their dicks though. To give them too much power would possibly have meant risking that they somehow incorporate...a female nipple.

5. Lady Gaga 2017


After a stellar performance, Lady Gaga famously jumped right into oblivion – a glorious meme moment, a "mement". As she strutted around in football shoulder pads playing a goddamn key-tar, the whole nation witnessed that there is plenty of non-nipple stimulation out there.

4. The Black Eyed Peas 2011


It was all up to Fergie and the gang to usher in a new era. “We can’t stand the old white guys anymore, so we’re handing the ball off to you Keys! Now listen here. I know you are under the age of 40 and there are hip-hop influences in your music, but please guys, just this one night, you gotta give it all you got for me and fight! fight! fight! that urge to bust out anybody’s nipples! This country can’t handle another nipple, Keys! Whaddya say?" The Black Eyed Peas executed with poise.

3. Prince 2007


Smack dab in the middle of the post-nipple-old-white-guys-who-play-guitar era, the NFL made a progressive, bold statement by hiring this old black guy who plays guitar. People were still on edge back then, like the days after some horrific nuclear accident. When Prince started soloing in silhouette form America nearly relapsed into a frenzy -- “He’s simulating masturbation!” We soldiered on.

2. Paul McCartney 2005


Post-nipple year 001. Could America ever feel safe again? We watched through our fingers as Paul McCartney, reputed person with nipples, took the stage and then we were lulled back into comfort and joy with the wholesome singalong of "Hey Jude" with McCartney elvishly smiling behind the piano. Nobody could’ve done it better.

1. Beyoncé 2014


2004’s famous nipple would have been the least exciting part of this performance ten years later. Beyoncé looked like a superhuman entity dancing, singing, glaring, and absolutely dominating the stage. She set the bar by which post-nipple America is now evaluated.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Featured

15 Mind-Bending Riddles

Hopefully they will make you laugh.

178987
 Ilistrated image of the planet and images of questions
StableDiffusion

I've been super busy lately with school work, studying, etc. Besides the fact that I do nothing but AP chemistry and AP economics, I constantly think of stupid questions that are almost impossible to answer. So, maybe you could answer them for me, and if not then we can both wonder what the answers to these 15 questions could be.

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

Most Epic Aurora Borealis Photos: October 2024

As if May wasn't enough, a truly spectacular Northern Lights show lit up the sky on Oct. 10, 2024

6170
stunning aurora borealis display over a forest of trees and lake
StableDiffusion

From sea to shining sea, the United States was uniquely positioned for an incredible Aurora Borealis display on Thursday, Oct. 10, 2024, going into Friday, Oct. 11.

It was the second time this year after an historic geomagnetic storm in May 2024. Those Northern Lights were visible in Europe and North America, just like this latest rendition.

Keep Reading...Show less
 silhouette of a woman on the beach at sunrise
StableDiffusion

Content warning: This article contains descriptions of suicide/suicidal thoughts.

When you are feeling down, please know that there are many reasons to keep living.

Keep Reading...Show less
Relationships

Power of Love Letters

I don't think I say it enough...

451746
Illistrated image of a letter with 2 red hearts
StableDiffusion

To My Loving Boyfriend,

  • Thank you for all that you do for me
  • Thank you for working through disagreements with me
  • Thank you for always supporting me
  • I appreciate you more than words can express
  • You have helped me grow and become a better person
  • I can't wait to see where life takes us next
  • I promise to cherish every moment with you
  • Thank you for being my best friend and confidante
  • I love you and everything you do

To start off, here's something I don't say nearly enough: thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You do so much for me that I can't even put into words how much I appreciate everything you do - and have done - for me over the course of our relationship so far. While every couple has their fair share of tiffs and disagreements, thank you for getting through all of them with me and making us a better couple at the other end. With any argument, we don't just throw in the towel and say we're done, but we work towards a solution that puts us in a greater place each day. Thank you for always working with me and never giving up on us.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

11 Signs You Grew Up In Hauppauge, NY

Because no one ever really leaves.

22874
Map of Hauppauge, New York
Google

Ah, yes, good old Hauppauge. We are that town in the dead center of Long Island that barely anyone knows how to pronounce unless they're from the town itself or live in a nearby area. Hauppauge is home to people of all kinds. We always have new families joining the community but honestly, the majority of the town is filled with people who never leave (high school alumni) and elders who have raised their kids here. Around the town, there are some just some landmarks and places that only the people of Hauppauge will ever understand the importance or even the annoyance of.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments