There has to be a rainbow at the end of the storm.
1 year:
This past year has been nothing short of pain, sadness, and emptiness. But it has also brought new experiences, new strength, and love from others. A year of firsts.
A year ago today I was excitedly waiting for Aaron to be home for the weekend. We had talked about all of our plans and the fun things we had to do. He had left straight from class and called me after talking to his mom. We talked for about an hour and he was halfway home. Unfortunately, we agreed to hang up the phone while I made and ate dinner and he jammed to his music. We were planning on meeting at his parents' house to hang out for the night. I got worried when he should have been home by then and could not get in touch with him. I called many times before resulting to ask his mom. When things got worrisome I went over to the house to wait for him with his parents. This is when my world went to shambles. We worried and worried for a few hours until we saw the lights. Lights I have seen over and over in my nightmares. When two state patrol officers walked in the house I fell to my knees. The worst night of my life that plays over and over in my head. Thinking about what I could have done differently or if I just would have stayed on the phone with him. But that does not do anyone any good.
After Aaron left us to go with the big man upstairs I never thought life would be the same. And that is absolutely true. He was my world, my light, and my bestfriend. I know everything I have written is sad or only about him but that is why I write. Writing can be therapy for some people.
Everyone kept going and I stopped. Physically I was there but mentally I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up and surrender. For me I question everything. Why me? How do I keep going? Do I want to do that for the rest of my life? And I am still questioning. I don't necessarily know where I want to end up. I am still stuck. The future is the last thing I want to think about because he is not in it. The past is where I want to live. That's all I think about is old memories.
Since January 2019 I think I have grown up more than I could have ever imagined. I have learned my strengths and weaknesses. I know my dark places and what can pull me out. But learning this has taken time. I am still in the storm waiting for the rainbow at the end.
When you lose a loved one, your whole world changes. You lost your favorite person to talk to or goof around with. Whether it's your sibling, bestfriend, significant other, child, or anyone you loved, things will never be the same. You have to learn how to survive life without that person. Saying it is easy but doing it is the hardest thing you will ever try to do. I say try because that's where I am at. I still struggle day in and day out. Sometimes I walk around with a smile on my face and some days I can't leave the house because my eyes are swollen from where I cried myself to sleep.
I have decided to be vulnerable in the chance that someone who has experienced this sees it and knows that they are not alone. A situation like this is not easy and never will be. For me, it has only gotten harder every day without him. But being able to talk about it and write about it puts me in a spot where one day I will be okay.
I have in no way conquered how to be and how to feel in this situation but I am trying to stay on my feet. I fall every day but that is okay. It is okay to feel the pain and it is okay to feel joy or happiness if that comes along. It is okay to not know who you are. Some days I do not recognize myself.
Although I may not be all put together, I am trying. This has been the longest and shortest year of my life. Grieving is a process and different for everyone. I will always treasure the relationship I had with Aaron. I will always love him.
Until the very end.
