So this was it. The moment. The moment I’ve worked so hard for and the work that has finally been recognized. It’s one of those things in life you can’t actually picture coming true, but once it does, it’s one of the most surreal, exciting, overwhelming, sh*t my pants terrifying feelings in the world; the moment and the phone call that changed everything.
A year ago, I was a sophomore applying to the nursing program for the first time. I had pre-nursing classes with 60+ people all having the same goal. I remember the first day of pathophysiology my professor had told us that half of us wouldn’t get accepted. There were about 70 of us in that class and another night’s class with the same amount. I’ve never failed at anything academically, but at that moment I looked around and thought maybe it wouldn’t be as easy as I thought. A few months later I got an email saying I was declined from acceptance into the program. I felt it coming but having a feeling is one thing and having the words of denial in front of your face is another. I, Callie, had never gotten denied from anything. I’ve never “failed” at anything academic, and it hit hard.
The hard part wasn’t having to make a new plan or accept that I didn’t get accepted, but to tell people. I had to tell every person that said “Oh, don’t worry you’ll get in.” that I, in fact, didn’t get in. I didn’t want their pity. I didn’t want to be told sorry. I wanted to move on and make a new plan. That’s probably my pride talking but I know my intelligence, and I felt as if I had to defend it over and over again with everyone I told. It was like showing up to a family get together, and every single person asks the same questions. It makes you want to send out an email or memo to everyone saying 'Hello, I got denied from the nursing program. No I’m not dumb, yeah I’m very upset, and yes I have a new plan. Refrain from bringing up anything involving the nursing program and school at any occasion involving face-to-face interaction. Thanks so much.' I could actually send this email out but let’s be honest, I would probably get a phone call from my mother saying “Really Callie?”
The rest of the semester, you could say, I lost all motivation. I had accepted I didn’t get accepted but as I said before, I wasn’t used to failing academically. Although, I made a new plan I just didn’t know how to get back from this. I was envious of all those people that didn’t fail; not understanding what God’s plan was for me. I felt lost. I wasn’t moving, I wasn’t growing, I was forced to sit there and dwell in my failure. I ended up failing a final and not getting the grade I needed in a class. So here I am, got denied, failed a final, ended up with the lowest GPA I’ve ever had, barely passed one class and didn’t get a passing grade for another meaning I had to retake it in the upcoming semester.
Despite all my failures, I came back to my dorm with a huge smile on my face. My roommate saw my level of happiness and said with genuine worry in her face and voice, I was in denial. I still can’t help but laugh at that. In retrospect, I probably was in a form of denial, but of the whole semester, not a particular class or grade. But now, it was over. I could get away from the people and classes, go home, and sleep for ten years.
Fast forward to the fall semester. I go from taking at least four classes and 16 credits to taking two classes and nine credits. I had work and class two days of the week and the rest was mine to do with whatever I wished. At first, I slept, a lot. I would go hammock – and yes that is being used as a verb. I would clean or write or spend my time outside or with friends. But as my semester continued and my friends got busier with their school schedules, I became uninspired. Then, for the second time, I got denied from the nursing program. I kept thinking, okay so you got denied again, lets make plans for the future and a third times a charm. Right? Once again, I was stuck. Not moving, not growing, being forced to dwell. This time around though, it seemed as if everyone around me was excelling. In relationships, school, jobs, life. I had friends studying abroad and I wanted nothing more than to go half way around the world and experience something I’ll remember the rest of my life. I tried to do a three-month backpacking trip through India, but my parents thought about that idea for 2.5 seconds. So now, I’ve got all this free time this semester and now I’ll have all this free time next semester too. I wanted a stimulation of my soul but couldn’t figure out how to spark it.
In the medical field, we are told our bodies and minds aren’t meant to be still for long periods of time. The medical term for this is called stasis. To me, mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual stasis, is numbing. I needed something to fight this boredom that became my life.
Now, it’s winter break. I got an A on my final and passed the class with a grade the nursing program will accept. On the Tuesday before Christmas and I got a phone call. A spot had become available and I had been offered admittance into the nursing program for the spring semester. This was it. The moment, the phone call, that was going to spark my soul. I ended up having to call the woman back because I was crying so much. My mother was screaming, jumping up and down and I was just standing there, crying. For like, five minutes. Looking back, I know I had to fail to know just how much I want this. How much two years from now, I want to walk across the stage and be handed a bachelor’s degree in Nursing. Over the next two years I know there will be countless hours of studying and hard work but the biggest thing I feel going into this next chapter of my life is readiness.
