I have been in an abusive relationship for as long as ten years.
My abuser makes my life impossible daily, with physical and verbal threats. My body carries an outrageous amount of scars from this unhealthy, life-consuming relationship: every minute I spend listening to my abuser and letting them hurt me is simple torture. But it has been ten years, and I have not tried to separate from her.
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I have made attempts; weak, pale attempts that always resulted in me crawling back to the place I came from. My friends and family would look at me as I was bleeding and hurting and wonder why, but I had no answer for them. People tried to pull me out of it, but they never managed. I would always run back into my abuser's arms, and let her yell at me how much of a failure I was for believing I could live my life without her. I would nod and say I'm sorry, please, take me back. She always would.
My abuser is my worst enemy, yet I cannot live without her. She keeps me up all night, hurts me repeatedly until she can see me bleed, she yells at me multiple times a day for being ugly, fat, unworthy. She does not let me eat, and no matter how hard I try to convince her that it's wrong, that I need food to survive... she never listens. Throughout these ten years, she never listened. Not even once.
My abuser attempted to kill me multiple times; I was lucky enough to survive. One would think I would not be so stupid to crawl back to her after various attempted murders... wrong. I did. I went back to her many, many times. Truth is... for a long time, I believed my abuser was my only friend. I believed she was the only one that could make me feel like I was worth something. But now I know that is so deeply wrong. I deserve better than that.
That is why I have decided to quit my abusive relationship, and disclose the name of my abuser. I think the world deserves to know who the person that hurt me so many times over, and yet managed to get away with it, is.
Her name is... Leenda.
I am my own abuser.
I am the one that scars my arms and insults my figure. I am the one that calls myself a failure, I am the one that never lets myself rest. I am the one that does not appreciate it when I eat. At all. I am the voice screaming in my own head. I am guilty of one of the worst crimes possible, and I am sorry.
I am breaking away, and I am doing it today. It is time for me to stop. It is time for me to listen to myself and satisfy my own needs. it is time for me to learn I can fail, and get back up again. It is time for me to learn I deserve love. From myself, first and foremost.
I cannot break up with myself, although sometimes I really wish I could. I cannot do that: I am my own person, and I have to stick with it, whether I like it or not. But I have the power to fall in love with myself, rather than abuse myself. I have the power to make this relationship a pleasant one, rather than an abusive one. I have that power: why did it take me so long to realize it?
It doesn't matter: I'm doing it today.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some ice cream that requires my attention.
