I sat with my feet in the pool at one of nicest houses I’ve ever been to, surrounded by some of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen, and all I could think was...this sucks.

I came into college not planning on joining a sorority. I never second guessed this as I figured there were many other opportunities to get involved and make friends at such a large school. In the first couple of weeks, I mocked sorority girls with my roommate and believed all their stereotypes. My best friend was rushing at home and I rolled my eyes when she told me about some of the things she had to do for it. A sorority wasn’t just not in my plans for college, it wasn’t in my plans for who I wanted to become in college. Somehow, though, I still managed to find myself sitting in the first meeting of my new sorority with the question ‘how the hell did I get here?’ pounding in my head. Well, here's how...

In the first couple of weeks of college, I gained a whole group of smart, funny, passionate, and diverse friends. Coming from my small town where all my friends seem to look and act quite similarly, the diversity of my floor, roommates, and other new friends was enthralling. These were were exactly the kinds of people I told myself I wanted to surround myself with in college. They share my same cynical humor, are intelligent and experienced, and would never judge me for what I was wearing or what I looked like. They are cultured and spiritual and opinionated. Their actions alone inspire me to work hard, have values, and to embrace my individuality. Although many were a little awkward at first, I could tell from the start that, most favorable of all, they were real.

But despite all this - despite the fact that I knew all these people were the step towards the person I wanted to be - I kind of distanced myself. I wouldn't have admitted it, but I couldn’t shake the feelings that there was more out there for me. At first, I felt like I differed from my friends because, unlike most of them (a generalization), I had experienced partying. I felt like this kind of set me apart, and, admittedly I think it made me feel a little superior.

Now matter how fun it was sitting in my room hanging out with my suite-mates, I couldn't shake the notions that I was missing out. I quickly became the "peer-pressurer" of the group, because I always wanted to go out and encouraged them to come with. I was convinced that getting dressed up and going to frat parties because I thought that was just what you were supposed to do as a freshman in college.

But these parties were never as great as I wanted them to be. I was always left wishing I knew more people at them and feeling like people didn’t recognize how cool and experienced I really was. My subconscious told me that if I made friends with all these partiers - then these parties would be really fun, and that then college would really come together.

Finally, I was tired of going to parties and not knowing anyone. I was annoyed that my college experience wasn't fulfilling all of my wildest dreams. I knew that there was much more to come but I couldn't stop feeling like everyone else already had it figured out while I was having an identity crisis. So after a few weeks, with encouragement from my suite mate and some new sorority friends, I decided to give the whole "sorority" thing a try. I realized that many of the people I was friends with in high school were now in greek life so I thought, maybe it could be for me.

I dismissed the decision like it was nothing, claiming that I just wanted something fun to destress me. I think that somewhere deep down I knew I could have just as much fun hanging out in lounge on my floor, singing songs at Young Life, or going to dance classes with my roommates, but I refused to admit that. Those weren’t what were “supposed” to be fun in college - I wanted a leeway into parties and hot guys and popularity. I wanted all of the things that, in high school, I learned were superficial and unfulfilling.

At my school, rush is about a month into school and composed of about two weekends. I paid $100 and went into rush with no expectations and with no strong opinions about whether or not I would actually join a sorority. The first day, we were separated into our rush groups, went around to all the different “houses” and did a speed-dating activity with girls in the sororities.

After a few houses, I felt like I was swimming in a pool of fake eyelashes and hair dye and chit-chat about nothing in particular. I knew that I was making judgmental generalizations, but I couldn’t get over how much some of the other girls rushing wanted to impress these sororities. Nevertheless, it was intoxicating. My once predominating judgment got diluted after every single girl I talked to was overwhelming nice to me. I left the first day feeling like I had some genuine conversations with sorority members, but also like I was competing with all these people who are ten times prettier, skinnier and smarter than me.

It continued; I curled my hair and put on my makeup and wore high heels for the first time in college. My roommate and a few other friends gave me crap for it all, gaping when I told them that sororities simply “dropped” girls after one conversation. They rolled their eyes like I had weeks before, but now I was trying to defend this system. I knew I had gotten sucked into this arbitrary system when I got offended after being cut by two sororities. I knew I had gotten sucked into the system when I noticed one sorority to have more unattractive girls and one more “chubby” girls, and didn’t keep them on my list. I knew I had gotten sucked into the system when I pretended to be excited about a sorority’s philanthropy and when I complained with my group about how my heels hurt. I knew deep down, that I had gotten sucked in and that I wasn’t be true to myself, but the feelings of validation - of belonging to an important, beautiful, exclusive sorority had won me over.

So I joined a sorority and made the obligatory post about it. I flashed my sign and I gained a billion new likes and "friends" and followers. After I got my bid, I got ice cream with all my new “sisters” and sat silently while they complained about how they shouldn’t to be eating it. I heard two girls looking at their phone and talking about how skinny and perfect one of their sisters is and how jealous they were. I sat and ate my cookies-and-cream and started to feel a little self-consciousness about my body - a feeling I'd almost forgotten about because my existing friends never seemed to care about that kind of stuff. I heard other people talking about how drunk they were going to get before the concert the next night. This reminded me of how I had plans to go to the concert with my friends. I checked my watch - I was already ready to be back with them and tell them about everything.

I swallowed those little feelings of apprehension I gained that first night and tried to embrace my life as a member of my sorority. I went out with some older members, excited to finally have a real invitation to party. But the hype of being invited to “pre-game” quickly died when I realized half of the time was spent taking pictures and another fourth texting guys to see where we should go. Nevertheless, I kept my mouth shut and rolled with it, cracking jokes and making small talk and telling people which sorority I was in.

Time for a disclaimer - I am, by no means, saying this is how all sororities are. I’m also not saying this is how my sorority necessarily “is.” And finally, I’m not saying that these situations are a good assessment of these girls’ entire character. What I’m saying is that, given every single, minuscule circumstance, these were the impressions I got and the feelings I had.

We had a “bid day party” at a immaculate house with a pool, photo props, and an amazing mountain view. Everyone had been hyping it up the entire week and I was excited to finally start doing things with my whole sorority. The whole house was decorated extravagantly and there was food, floaties, and other freebies for all of us. I glanced around, feeling like the only one without my hair and makeup done and like the whole thing was an Instagram photoshoot. I had conversations about how hot it was, how excited I was to be in the sorority, and how pretty the house was. After a couple of hours I could tell that not only I, but everyone, was already ready to go.

That same night, I went to a frat tailgate with some girls from the sorority. I was excited to actually be invited to a tailgate because it was another thing that seemed like a necessity in college but that I had yet to do. The only people I knew were a few new friends from my sorority and after a while, I could tell I wasn’t being myself. I could tell I was being quiet, reserved, and conscientious about what I said to people. I could tell other people would have been too had it not been for the alcohol and the environment. Where normally, I’d introduce myself to everyone, I now felt like I had to stick to some unsaid norms and obey my position as a newcomer. After that, I went to the game and met up with my friends, where I could hardly pay attention because my head was pounding with a new thought; I made the wrong decision...

The week continued and I went to the first chapter meeting, where they laid out rules and regulations for us. My stomach turned when they showed the price and when they told us what our “dress code” was for the meetings. I couldn’t stop asking myself questions like “What are the benefits of this?” but convinced myself that I just needed to give it time.

Nevertheless, as the week continued, I'd walk down the sidewalk, and people in sorority apparel seemed to be all that I noticed. I would sit in class and zone out because my mind was filled with this anxiety about whether or not I was being true to myself. I confided in my roommates, mom, and sister about it. I journaled about it, I prayed about it. I didn't know what to do but I knew I had to do something. The stress of questioning everything was beginning to take it's toll on me.

A few days and many epiphanies later, I ended up dropping. I can now say for certain that quitting my sorority was the best choice I’ve made since being in college. Not because greek life is bad, not because sororities are bad, and not because my sorority was bad - but because I recognized that it wasn't right for me. I woke up the morning after I dropped with my anxiety and worries gone - I felt like I’d just dropped a 50 lb. weight I’d been carrying around with me everywhere.

This moment was so pivotal because quitting my sorority was the first time I really “went with my gut” since I got to college. It was the first time I stopped and acknowledged the little voice inside of me was asking, “Is this really want you want out of your experience?” Quitting my sorority was the first time I let my intuition overrule what I thought I was supposed to do. The feelings I had when I knew I was being true to myself were so much better than any feelings of validation.

My resignation led me to realize that I must recognize the gifts I have already been given - like my real friends and my abundance of existing opportunities - and not constantly worry about whether or not there is something better out there. When before, I let myself be a victim to FOMO (the fear of missing out), I discovered the importance of existing in the moment and admitting my true feelings, despite what’s “cool.”

Now, I don’t feel the need to go out every single night and I try to cherish the little, seemingly insignificant times I have with people. Despite the fact that I quit, I don’t regret rushing. Had I not pasted a smile on my face and got "sucked into the system," I wouldn’t have had these realizations about myself. Quitting enabled the next couple of months to be so much more fulfilling than that first one.

By quitting my sorority, I realized contentment in college, and life in general, is not something I can achieve, but a choice I have to make every single day.