I have frequently found myself as one of the few black people in the spaces I'm in. As a child it was simply due to the areas I lived in and as I've gotten older it has been due to my location as well as the activities that I partake in and the general lack of accessibility for POC. As such, I have seen first hand the way opinions of you shift over time. How people tend to like you less when you go from being the quiet, non-confrontational and easily palatable black friend to the black friend who speaks out about the injustices her community faces and who celebrates her blackness in a world that doesn't always think it should be celebrated in the first place.
I began to notice the change in my late teens to early twenties. I started to see the world more for what it really is and less from my naive rose colored glasses. I was a sheltered child but I also had a lot of friends of different backgrounds so I thought the world was working it's way toward being alright. But as I began to pay more attention to the news, inform myself with documentaries and books, I began to see that things weren't progressing as well as I had hoped.
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The more I learned, the more I spoke up. Education, even when taught unconventionally, is a tool that increases knowledge and also confidence to speak on the issues you experience and witness.
I noticed the shift in my white peers' opinions of me most during the Ferguson protest, rise of the #blacklivesmatter movement and through discussions of Mike Brown. Prior to all of this I hadn't said much about the negative effects of existing as a black person in this country nor about how ignorance of the general public, fear and resistance from the government and privilege have had over time and up to this day in creating today's tense racial climate. So, as events transpired and more innocent black lives were claimed with little to no justice, I began to speak out. Both about the experiences that shaped my existence and events I had learned about that had seemingly been watered down or left out of our history books.
The shift began subtly. I would receive a message from a friend on Facebook or tumblr asking why I "hate white people all of a sudden?" Or asking why I "had to bring up race all the time. Things were better when you didn't talk about race." It was clear that some people weren't going to be on board with my outspokenness. In fact, some would turn my unapologetic pride in my blackness and desire to bring attention to the issues Black people face into hatred for white people. So many equate Black pride with anti-whiteness when that is not the case at all. While it hurt at first, I've quickly come to learn that those who truly care for me are going to be willing to hear me out. Friendship is not only about the good times, it is about supporting each other through the difficult, even if it takes some self reflection on your own ignorance and privilege.
Things continued to change as I spoke out more though. I got a lot more support as I continued to speak out but there would be people who would say things like "Well I'm glad you're speaking out but maybe you should be more sensitive. Sometimes the privileged won't listen unless you water things down a bit." I was constantly asked to water my posts, articles, opinions and experiences down to make others more comfortable as they learn.
I, however, refused then as I do now. Part of removing yourself from the comfort of your privilege is to embrace the discomfort in learning about this country's true history. Part of dismantling the systems created in this country to benefit the privileged and stomp on the marginalized is acknowledging which of those systems you benefit from and still making the effort to tear them down. You cannot get the full effect if you water down information and the delivery of such information to make people comfortable. And for that reason, I will not be softer, be quieter, be apologetic or more palatable. I will continue to be as unapologetic and loud as ever.
