Recently, I've been asked quite a lot of questions by my peers, family, friends and community about my transition. I've been urged to continue writing about my experiences and life as I am living it, as a transgender man. So, I opened an anonymous google form and posted it to my Facebook page, in hopes of gathering questions from these individuals and creating a dialogue in a constructive way. I have felt that when I meet people who do not know many (or any) transgender folks, they want to ask a lot of questions to understand, but hesitate due to the fact that they are worried they will be intrusive or unable to pose a question in a way that is not harmful towards the transgender individual. (Granted, there are individuals who just want to be bigoted and hurtful.)

My hopes with this form would be to allow people to ask questions without fear of judgment or making a mistake in phrasing or wording, and I will attempt to do my best to answer these questions as well as I can. (One should keep in mind while reading this, that I can only speak for my own experiences. I do not speak for the transgender community as a whole. My experiences are my own, and though they may be similar to others' experiences, I do not in any way represent all transgender men or trans masculine persons either.) As well, some of the questions have been omitted for personal/private reasons, or for the fact that they would be possibly detrimental to other trans identified persons. (As in, I got a couple awful responses to the form.) In total, I received a total of 27 responses from people.

Q1: When/What if anything made you realize you were trans?

A: When I think back about my life growing up, I realize that I always knew I was male. Even if I wasn't able to define what I was feeling until about 12 years old, and then out loud when I was 14. Every birthday wish, shooting star, lucky penny, etc. was the hope that god (at the time that was the higher power I believed in) would realize that they had put me into the wrong body and would make it right. Basically, I spent a lot of time on the internet trying to find term/s that would explain what/how I was feeling. Transgender felt the most accurate.

Q2: I am a cisgender (identifies as the gender assigned at birth) person, and always want to know how to be a better ally for trans* individuals. What are some things I can do to aid in trans* visibility and helping to create a safe environment, based on your personal experience?

A: I really like GLAAD's tips for how to be an ally. I also find that the best way to create a safe environment is to educate others about things they don't understand in a constructive way. Being patient, but also realizing that being a passive bystander (or someone who watches and says/does nothing) can be harmful. Challenge the beliefs of close-minded people in constructive ways. Understand why they think that, and give them the knowledge to understand why it is important to support trans individuals. We can't force everyone to be supportive, but we can give them the tools to learn how to be an ally. Educate yourself, realize that you might not fully understand what a trans individual is going through and that trans individuals don't all go through the same things. Check yourself! If you make a mistake, it's okay, no one is perfect, just realize you did it and do your best to not repeat. Even if you don't understand someone's journey, the best way to be an ally is to support them.

Q3: I applaud you for deciding that surgery was the right choice for you. What influenced your decision?

A: In all honesty, having top surgery was less of a choice in my case. For some trans individuals, it is something they choose, but having had this surgery, I've realized that it was the inevitable. I couldn't imagine living in my body without making these changes to fit how I feel. It was very much a mental health issue, before I was miserable being in and looking at a body everyday that didn't feel or look like how I felt or saw myself in my head. As harsh as this sounds, I don't think that I would have made it 3 more years in a body that did not match how I internally felt. Sadly this is the case for many trans individuals who don't have the ability to have surgeries.

Q4: I'm cis but I used to be anorexic so I'm asking about what I'm familiar with... did you have any body dysmorphia?

A: Oh yes. Between the societal visual standards for women, and the societal visual standards for men, I had quite a lot of struggles. I constantly was in a battle between my inner an outward appearances, being pulled this way and that. Today, i still have some dysmorphia, I am constantly worrying if people see me as a feminine man, or still as female, I pay excruciatingly close attention to how I eat, walk, talk, the body movements with interactions towards female/male/queer identified persons, how I dress, etc. I am constantly aware of mannerisms that are geared towards societal standards, as I am having to relearn everything I've been taught about one gender identity by our culture to encompass multiple.

Q5: When did you know you were trans?

A: I sorta always knew, but it took quite a while for me to voice it to myself and feel comfortable enough to voice it to others as well and take steps towards fully becoming myself.

Q6: Do people often question your sexuality when you say you're trans?

A: Yes. People get really stuck on what genitals I have, or how I have sex, and it feels quite often that people are willing to call you whatever pronouns you want, but when it comes down to it, they still think of you as whatever biological sex you were born as. I constantly have people saying "oh so you're straight" when my partner is male identified, or "oh you're a lesbian" when my partner is female identified. This happens all the time.

Q7: What do you identify as?

A: I personally identify as a trans masculine man. (Meaning I am a less feminine trans man.) My sexual orientation is fluctuating, I am more attracted to who you are then what you look like or your gender identity,

Q8: Will you have more surgical procedures? Either choice is a good option :)

A: At this point, the technology (in my opinion) is not good enough. Maybe in the future. Or maybe not. I'm pretty satisfied with where I am at right now.

Q9: How often do people ask about your genitalia/if you'll be getting more surgery?

A: Haha look above. People asking about my genitalia is almost an everyday occurrence. When I meet new people and they learn I am trans, I can literally feel the question on the tip of their tongue, trying to jump out at me. If you know what genitals I currently have, that is sacred information, and should not be shared without my permission. Surgery is also a really common question, people want to know all about it, and it generally follows up the genital question. Generally these questions are big NO's to ask a transgender person. If they want you to know about it, they'll tell you about it.

Q10: What are some of the most hurtful questions to ask? How can I be a better ally/friend?

A: Oh this is a good one. There are a lot of hurtful things, like assuming anything about a trans person, or insinuating that a trans person may not have the genitalia of their gender identity, or that they are inadequate because they don't have the "parts" or ability to have biological children. Please don't look at before photos and say "oh you looked so great as that gender!" or "why would you transition!? You were so hot before!" or constantly ask about their "real" name. As a trans person, I am constantly reminded of the "parts" I don't have, and the fact that it really feels like no matter what I do, people will always see me as my biological sex. Having my friends (who are my chosen family) throw this in my face makes me miserable. Just treat your trans friends like you would treat any other one of your friends. We are normal people. Also, if we correct you on terms, please respect that you may be wrong.

Q11: What is the biggest misconception you want to dispel?

A: THERE IS NO GENDER BINARY IN THE TRANSGENDER WORLD! Not every trans person identifies themselves as either male or female. There are genderqueer trans persons! There are feminine trans persons! There are masculine trans persons! Trans people just like every other person, do not have to identify as either male or female. I really can't say that enough.

Q12: Has anything/anyone ever made you feel like you're not trans enough?

A: I've had a very complicated relationships with being transgender. On one side I am proud to be trans, it is such a central part of my being. On the other hand, I constantly must keep it a quiet part of my life so as to not be treated differently then other cisgender men. I've also experienced other trans men who don't consider feminine trans men to actually be trans men, and that to be a trans man, you have to be the epitome of what a stereotypical cisgender man should look/be like, or that a trans man who isn't/can't be on hormones isn't a trans man. I've also been told by queer individuals that because I am not as much of an activist as them, I can't be included. Everywhere I go, I feel that I toe the line between staying true to myself and not pissing anybody off.

Q13: What are some micro aggressions that make you feel unsafe?

A: There are a lot of them, but I'm just gonna throw out several that really get to me, so I'm just gonna throw them out in a list. Being introduced as the "trans" friend. "Oh I knew you were trans because you have a girl's butt" (I mean.... really?) "Oh wow, I had no idea you were trans until you told me!" (In this situation I can't tell if I should be upset that it feels like you now think of me as lesser because I'm trans, or if I should be secretly proud I'm doing a good job of passing. I just want to feel like a normal guy.) When male identified persons don't include me in stereotypical male actions. (Hello, I just want to be a guy, give me a chance to participate.) When people automatically assume my sexual orientation. (Can you not.) When people "out me" to people I haven't met yet/don't know. (It is INCREDIBLY uncomfortable to have someone come up to me and know that I am transgender. I will literally spend the next year freaking out and wondering if people can tell I am trans, and it makes me feel unsafe going into bathrooms, or going places with people I don't know.)When people act differently around you in bathrooms when they know you're transgender. (This is a super important one because it can put a target and "point out" a trans person as "different" in a place that is really personal, which makes the situation very unsafe and volatile.)

Q14: Does you transitioning make me gay?

A: (I am assuming here that this came from a cis male.) I get that you are seriously worried that you might be gay, (insert fragile masculinity and homophobia pun here) but let me assure you this: if you and I were sexually active whilst I was identifying as female (and you identified as male), then no, you're not considered gay. (If you were to engage with me sexually now (and you identified as male) then yes, you would be considered gay because I, too, identify as male.)

Q15: Have you ever been attracted to a cisgender man? If so, does that constitute a gay relationship?

A: Yes I have been attracted to a cisgender man before. Usually if they are also interested in me, it is brought up at some point in conversation. To me, it is a gay relationship, and if they are not ok with that, then it ends.

Q16: If you're such a trans advocate, how come I didn't know you were trans until we friended on Facebook?

A: Well, I don't go shouting that I am transgender from the rooftops. I don't start off every introduction to someone new with a handshake and, "Hi I'm Michael and I'm trans." (that would be ridiculous don't you think?) I am proud to be transgender but I also realize that people treat me differently once they become aware of this. (Save a few, very close friends.) Whether people intend to or not, they exclude trans persons. (I constantly feel like I won't ever fit into the "male" category, or the "female" category and I am instead outside the window looking in, and that I also don't fit into the "androgynous" category either.) There's a degree of separation that happens, so I don't like to advertise it. I am happy to talk about it if it's brought up, but only if I feel comfortable in that situation. I do not hide it, I merely don't advertise it.

Q17: What are you going to tell people when they ask about your chest scars?

A: I had tissue in my chest that needed to be removed for my well being. Simply put, that's what happened.

Q18: What's been the hardest part of your transition so far?

A: Well, finally putting my foot down and accepting the fact that I am trans was quite a hard aspect for me. I was worried I would lose my friends, my family, my community, (I did lose a lot of people from my life) and the fact that I constantly feel like I have to fight for basic rights everyday. I would like to hope that in the future, I would be able to walk into a bathroom that matches my identity without fear of getting into a physical or verbal confrontation with a stranger. As well, I basically have to unlearn everything I have learned/been taught by society about being female identified, and relearn at 20 years old the customs of being a male identified person.

Q19: What have your experiences (if any) with male privilege been like? When you "pass" as a man to other people, do they treat you differently than before you started transitioning (i.e., before you appeared masculine)?

A: People definitely treat you differently as a man. Growing up, I knew that there was such thing as male privilege, but I didn't fully grasp the extent of it until I started fully transitioning. It's nice to go to parties and events and have people look at you like any other person, without the feeling that their judging you on your body or the feeling that you're a sexual object to them. It's great having people listen to you like they actually want to hear your thoughts, it's almost like my words have weight now. On the other side of that, I don't have the option to really be "invisible" anymore. When I get introduced to new family friends as my parents only son and oldest child, there's suddenly more pressure for me to succeed and do well. When my dog passed away, my father had tears in his eyes but didn't cry, I cried and the nurse put her hand on my shoulder and was like "wow you're such an emotional guy." I've also noticed that I have to be cautious around female identified persons and other queer people when I am interacting with them. I've noticed women shrink away from me when I place a hand on an arm in greeting, so I have to be conscious of my body language, am I appearing threatening or aggressive? Is my voice too stern, am I making them uncomfortable? There's so many little things that I'd never noticed until I was literally "on the other side of the window looking in," like the fact that people assume I can get aggressive, or that I'm trying to get into their pants (more a worry of straight cis men at the moment.) It's like all of a sudden I'm a part of this testosterone fueled game where I the goal is to "protect your manliness" by being the last one standing. I've also had to get used to more physical interactions with older cisgender men. Back slapping, rougher side hugs, and other stereotypical cis male gestures. Beforehand I was a person who really did not like being touched by other people, and I'm learning that a huge part of cis male culture is the physical brotherhood bonding type things. Basically, all of a sudden I'm a part of this new society that is so foreign to me. So both the ability to suddenly have all this male privilege and function as a male identified person in this society is a huge process with so many "invisible rules" that I have to now learn. I personally feel that having experienced both standards of the binary gender roles, I am a better person, because I can now "mix and match" what traits I want to keep from "both sides." I am more aware of how my actions effect those around me, and also of the stigmas surrounding them. I can break the barriers of what people perceive as stereo-typically male and stereo-typically female and combine them.

Q20: Why are you so cool and wonderful, Michael? How do you do this? I'm amazed by how sweet and talented and open you are and I'm so happy for you and proud of you.

A: Thank you to whomever wrote this. I try to be open about who I am in order to help educate others on what it is like to be transgender. Though my story and my experiences are my own, I would like to hope that the my openness allows for others to stay stealth (or live without anyone knowing they are transgender) and see that the world around them is becoming more accepting and open towards trans people. I hope that by answering all of the awkward and hard/ignorant sounding questions, I can open a dialogue and create a space where people can learn in a constructive way. I give most all of the credit to the friends that really stuck with me through all of the hard parts, brushing me off when I got knocked down and giving me a hand back up. There were lots of days where I didn't want to get back up and they encouraged and pushed me through it because they believed in me and that truly means the world to me. So thank you to all of you in my life who were constantly there and supportive, you all are my backbone. <3

Q21: How can allies best support transgender children?

A: Certainly don't "Assume it's a phase" and that "they'll grow out of it." These two phrases are some of the most toxic beliefs that parents seem to have. If you're worried about "encouraging" the behavior, take a step back and just realize that by allowing your child to explore their feelings about themselves, letting them choose what they want to play with, or what they want to wear, you are actually encouraging that they learn to love themselves and can explore their own selves without being confined to a certain set of binary rules. This has a HUGE impact on their self esteem, well being and mental health in positive ways. The best things any parent can do for their kids is to support them. Know that your child is growing up (we all can reminisce on the confusions of being a child and the hardships of growing up) and realize that how they feel about themselves may change over time. So give them that time to figure it out.

In summary, I just want to recap and restate that all of my experiences and my story are my own. Every transgender person has their own life story which varies from mine. As a community, and a world, I ask that you keep an open mind towards all of this, especially if it is new to you. Learn from others, educate yourself on these topics, ask questions, be an ally, and most importantly, support those around you. We have so much to give and so much to learn from each other, and we, individually and together can change the world into a truly accepting place to exist and better it for generations to come.

More questions? Feel free to reach out to me at greenbackpackkid@gmail.com, and I'll get back to you.