I ask a lot of questions. Sometimes too many. One of my downfalls is that I require absolute clarity. I know my questions bother people. I know that they seem nit-picky, but it’s really just me trying to iron out all of my insecurities. I need to know every possible detail so whatever is to come is as predictable as possible.
Nowadays, I have a lot of unanswered questions — mostly about the future. The uncertainty of the future terrifies me. When you operate solely on logic, you can justify a million different outcomes to every question that comes up, and they’re not always good. I constantly wonder if I’m on the right path, if I’m doing good in my life, and if I’m contributing positively to this world and not just taking from the people and things around me. Hopefully, someday, I will have the answers to my questions, but I’m sure that new ones will just keep coming up. So, to my future self, please answer the following questions. Double spaced. Size 12 font, please.
Have you found a life path? As I write this, my mind is racing with thoughts of where I’m headed. Is this the right major? What’s my next move? Will I continue on to law school or will this, like all my other past life plans, unravel at the seams? Please tell me you’ve decided on something. Hopefully lucrative and fulfilling. I know that’s asking a lot but I’m sure it’s not out of the realm of possibility. I’m tenacious but I get caught up in the grunt work. I hope you’ve gotten over that.
What have you accomplished? Besides graduating or getting a job or renting your first apartment—what have you really accomplished? Have you written something? I have great ideas but have you ever actually followed one through to the end? Or do you still have a hard drive full of half-finished books and stories? What have you created?
Have you opened yourself up to love? I know you remember how lonely you used to be—how lonely I am. I say I’m ready to love someone as much as I love myself but honestly, right now I’m not even sure if I do love myself. Are you sure?
Do you still actively work against yourself on a day-to-day basis? Do you talk yourself out of making waves or taking a risk like I do? Have you become surer of yourself or do your doubts still act as shackles around your ankles?
Do you still need to listen to a television show to fall asleep? Or have you found a reasonable way to keep the negative thoughts that plague your mind at night at bay? I spend all day forcing positive thoughts through my head and batting away every negative one, they’re not helpful for me right now. But in the night, when I’m finally still and my brain is taking a break from thinking about what assignments I have due, what pages I need to read, and who I need to see, the negative thoughts begin to fade back into the front of my mind. They start few and far in between until they escalate into a cacophony of self-doubt and spiral into a smoldering heap of all that I hate and fear.
Do you rest peacefully now, or are your dreams still full of the fears you bury while you’re awake? I can hide my conscience from the world but when I am in a dream my conscience is the world and there is nowhere to hide. Is yours clear yet? Can you sit comfortably in silence or does it still torture you?
Even if you can’t answer all these questions, I hope you’re happy with where you are. I know I’m happy with where I am. Do I want to stay here? Absolutely not, but if I can’t be happy with where I am now I can’t expect to ever be satisfied with where I am at any point in life. I hope you’re still working hard to never stop improving yourself.
