I came out as genderqueer in July. And ever since I started trying to break down my conception of what my gender identity is, I've wondered; How should I cut my hair? It sounds like a simple question. "Non-binary haircuts" brings 400,000 results on Google, after all. Can't I just pick one? But as it turns out, I am a 20-year-old who doesn't know what I want. And 400,000 results are a lot to comb through. So, I started trying to add adjectives to the search bar.

Long. Long like my mother's or my sister's or my cousin's. Beautiful and healthy and fully and demanding of care and attention. Avoid haircuts for months. Grow my hair to look like Hozier's. Wear a bun or ponytail or let it flow free. But the idea makes me fear that transphobes will call me a fake woman in public because I've not yet had to confront them. That I won't be safe trying to seem pretty and soft and as feminine as I want. So, I sigh at the pictures of beautiful people, and bookmark the clothes I'll never order and hairstyles I'll never wear, and close the tab.

Shaved. Shaved like my father's. Like my brother's when he came home from basic training. I could be a man's man of a non-binary individual. All it would take is a razor and some time. But I hate being a man. I shy away from masculinity. Away from the ROTC cadets who scream slurs on my college campus. Away from the constraint of never conveying an emotion besides rage. So, I stifle tears and close the tab. I don't want to look like I signed my life away for anything besides crippling debt to come to school, anyways.

Professional. I could look like someone far too into their LinkedIn. The poli sci majors at school all are like that. I could lean into the "Republican Congressman" haircut like they do. Professional and clean and androgynous, but not in the fun way. An easy no. But also, the closest to what I actually see in the mirror.

Undercut. Undercuts are the most prevalent by far. They're the ones I sigh longingly at. Because whenever I sit in a barber's chair I want to scream "I am queer" but I'm not brave enough. I shy away from letting people know I'm a square peg. "Long on top, short on the sides" is never taken far enough. I want to look queer but I'm too much a coward to admit it in all but the subtlest ways. Undercuts look like they belong on people who don't stand for nonsense, on beautiful gay people who are cooler than me.

Being queer is funny that way. After all, that stuff about undercuts being for the gays is all conjecture. It's an association I have but that many people don't share. I wear denim jackets and cuff my jeans and let someone run a needle though my nose because some twitter bisexuals have cultivated in my mind that that's what disastrously hot bisexuals do. But most people don't look at me and say, "Oh max, are you a bisexual non-binary person?" Despite that being all I wish I said with my wardrobe said louder.

My pronouns are in constant flux. I don't care about being called "he," but I wish people second guessed it. I wish that it was obvious, despite how much I fear it being obvious. How should I cut my hair? I'm open to suggestions.