A simpler time

It was 2002. Bush was serving his first term as president. Nobody's phones were smart and the only things that were "lit" were my red and gray, light-up Sketchers from Payless. I was in the first grade at Lebanon Christian School, probably around 6 or 7 years old. I was a relatively curious little kid. I liked exploring new places and trying new things. Among the many things that fascinated me were urinals. They were kind of new to me at the time, due to the fact that I was finally tall enough to use even the short urinal.

This toilet-sink-like hybrid intrigued me with every use. What was the brightly colored, foamy substance in the bottom? Where was the loud "SWOOOOSH" sound to scare the piss out of me (literally) like all of the toilets I had previously sat upon? What was this monstrosity capable of flushing? It was that final question that got the gears in my head turning as I stared at the porcelain altar before me. Was pee the only thing that a urinal could handle? Could it withstand a code brown? What would occur if I dared flush a number two in the urinal? Setting out to discover new possibilities, I planned out how I would fulfill the destiny that I believed God had laid before me.

Launch day...

It was a Tuesday afternoon. My mom came to school to pick my cousin and I up, but had to stop by the school office to fill out some paperwork or something. She left us in the front lobby of the building to play while she went to the office. "Now is the time," I thought as I began inching towards the bathroom ready to take a dump. Upon arriving at what would be the scene of the crime, I realized that positioning myself on the urinal without the risk of being caught would be nearly impossible.

Instead, I went for more of a drop-and-transfer method. I went into a stall, did my business, promptly walked to the paper towel dispenser, and returned to the toilet where I had left my deposit. I moved swiftly, grabbing the mass, wrapping it in the paper towel, and preparing to transport it to the urinal. "It's too easy," I thought to myself as I stood by the urinal preparing to drop it. This is where things got shitty (Literally and figuratively). I convinced myself that it would be a good idea to chase my cousin around with my stinky clump of clay (You know, just to up the ante). I looked both ways as I exited the bathroom, checking for any adults who would put a stop to my plan.

"Katie, come here!" I called down the hallway. I let out an evil laugh upon the exposition of my poo. The revealing of the turd was met with screaming and running. After clearing the hallway by the bathroom, I returned to the urinal, where I carried out the remainder of this experiment. Following the careful placement of the turd, I began flushing just to see what would happen. With the first flush came a flood of water that filled the bottom of the urinal. Panicked by the clogged pipes I was witnessing, I continued to flush. After about four flushes, in walked my principal: Mr. Milligan.

The downfall

I froze. I looked down at what I had done, poopy tissue still in hand. He just stared. He was nearly speechless until he very slowly uttered the question, "Why did you do it?" I just stared at him not knowing how to respond as I shook where I stood. He then began to explain how I the plumbing was now clogged and listed reasons why I shouldn't play with poop. He then commissioned me to begin cleaning up the mess while he returned to the school office where he alerted my mother of the experiment I had performed. I continued to flush the urinal until almost all of it had been sucked away (It takes eight flushes).

Around this time one of the male employees of the school had come in and began using the urinal next to the crime scene. During what was somewhat of an awkward moment where the only thing to be heard was the sound of the sink running as I washed my hands, my mom burst into the restroom screaming at me only to quickly exit with her head down when she realized she had interrupted an innocent man's peaceful urination.

Lessons learned...

You may be reading this, wondering why I would share a story that involved my poop? Why would I be so vulnerable? Well, I want to share with you what I learned.

First off, it's I want to say that I have no regrets about what I did. I fearlessly and ruthlessly followed my curiosity and honestly, that's something that gets harder with age. I often talk myself out of trying new things out of fear of what people will think or just because I'm afraid whatever it is that I'm trying won't work. We all do this. Personally, this level of fearlessness is what I believe Jesus meant when he told us to have a child-like faith.

Second, I learned the value of perseverance. We all have that turd in our lives that we think will never be flushed. For some people it's losing weight, for others it's a rough financial situation, and for a first grader in Lebanon, Ohio, it was a literal turd. You may be on the brink of a breakthrough, so don't give up. Sometimes, you're just one flush away.

Finally, this situation taught me to learn from mistakes. After I attempted to flush a piece of poop down the urinal, I realized that it wasn't really cool to put anything into the urinal except for urine. I have no regrets though. Every mistake in life is a valuable lesson, that can't be bought or learned in a classroom. As a 21-year-old, I can say I haven't tried flushing a turd down the urinal since then.

If you're reading this, I hope you learned from my mistakes. Just remember, when it seems life has taken a dump on you, just keep flushing.