Independence in the reality of marriage is one of the hardest concepts I feel like I have ever had to balance. Marriage is strange in that it is two that have become one, but also one that is two. We live life together, there is no divide in our money or food, where he goes I go. And yet we have two brains, two souls, two occupations. We are different, and yet we have meshed both of our differences into one big ball of time and life.
This meshing has given me so much loveliness, but also a share of challenges. The most recent challenge has been defining the role individuality plays in marriage. I can sometimes feel myself unintentionally morphing my thoughts and attitudes to be agreeable to my husband. Not that he demands it at all, he's honestly very open to disagreement and an excellent communicator. It is this peacemaker inside of me that has compromised some of my own person.
And I've realized that this does no good for him or for me. If I'm constantly providing Nolan with the most adjusted form of myself, I'm not allowing him to know me, and I'm not allowing the freedom to be myself. I've also noticed this in other relationships I value too.
Not too long ago one of my friends kindly offered to travel all the way to the other side of the lunchroom to pick up the last two remaining free donuts for us. She came back with a big smile and one sprinkled donut and unfortunately only half of a powdered one. She looked at me and said, "Do you want the sprinkles or the powdered?" For some, the obvious choice would be the smaller, half sized powdered donut, regardless of if they preferred sprinkles or not. My friend then followed her question with, "I just want to know which one you really want, because I'm fine with either." There was something in her statement that made my obvious choice less obvious.
I could hear the genuineness in her words when she said that. I love it when I hear someone say something and then I can see the corresponding honesty in their face and tone of voice. She was providing honesty and expecting honesty in return from me. And then voila. 'Powdered' just spilled out of my mouth.
Sometimes we can be dishonest in the stupidest things. I didn't go into that conversation thinking that I would lie to my friend about my preference of donuts, but it happened. And well, it ended up being a lose-lose. It was such a small thing, but it spoke so directly to this tendency in me to say or do things I don't mean, simply because I'm anticipating someone else's wants. I portray myself differently in order to create as much harmony around me as possible, to essentially please people.
Sometimes it's difficult to identify where you begin and end and someone else begins and ends. Maybe it feels like your adaptability has made it difficult to think independently, form opinions, or understand your own dreams. Maybe you've realized that you end up looking to others for how to feel and how to respond.
Personally, I've done all of this, and it has made being 'me' very confusing.
People pleasing to this depth of bending and milling for people is not selfless, It's not sacrificial love. Unfortunately, most of this is actually coming from a root of insecurity and fear of rejection. Which doesn't sound as nice as me 'thinking of others,' but it's a bit more accurate to the condition of my heart.
It's refreshing to know that I have the freedom to step out of this fear. I have the freedom at Jesus' feet to live for him, and not to please others, but I'm finding that it takes sincere intentionality and a determination before I speak or act. I love this verse in John when Jesus is laying it on thick.
"I do not receive glory from people. . . How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?" John 5:41
This is a beautiful truth, and such a reminder that we do not live for the glory that comes from others, the pat on the back, the agreement from their mouths, or the respect they might offer. We live for, seek, and serve the only God where glory will ever come from.
Sometimes it's clumsy, to tell the truth, to be yourself, and to own what you are. But with sincerity of heart, my prayer is that we can come before others with integrity, rendering our service with good will to God, and not to man (Ephesians 6:6).
We can serve others and still be honest with them if we like sprinkled donuts.
We can serve others by letting them know us.
We can serve others by providing our unique insight into a person.
We can serve others and God by giving Him our attention, our vulnerable selves, and allowing His friendship to ground us in confidence as we share our lives.
