Hey you. On your phone. Reading this article. I've got something to say. PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY.
Oh, my caps didn't scare you away and you're still on your phone? That's okay. I knew this would happen. You're addicted, and you can't help it. It's like an itch that always needs to be scratched. But you know what happens if you constantly scratch an itch? You'll start bleeding.
To avoid the possibility of bleeding out (and losing all your friends in the process), I've come up with a guideline of when it's time to put the phone away. Let's begin, shall we?
1. In class?
Put yo phone away.
2. Having a conversation with a human being?
Put yo phone away.
3. At the movies?
Put yo phone away.
4. Reading a book?
Put yo phone away.
5. Studying?
Put yo phone away (unless you're doing double duty and using it only as an additional search engine).
6. At a retreat that is supposed to be technology free?
Put yo phone away I SEE YOU.
7. Crying? A lot? Like more than normal?
Put yo phone away.
8. Swimming in the ocean with riptides and no life guard and the possibility of sharks on the prowl and oh also you can't swim?
Put yo phone away ya fool.
9. At a surprise birthday brunch at a really fancy restaurant for your best friend which is also being paid for by somebody else which means you can order infinite mimosas?
Put yo phone away.
10. Comparing yourself to the false reality that is social media?
Put yo phone away.
11. Feeling awkward and bored and have nothing else to do?
Put yo phone away and look at the world surrounding you, you dumb dumb.
12. Tall guy standing in the front row at a concert and taking a pic, covering up basically half the stage of everyone standing behind you?
Put yo phone away.
13. Tinder date who was 40 minutes late and also not adding anything meaningful to the conversation and also asked you to sleep with him after this horrific date only twenty minutes in?
PUT YO DAMN PHONE AWAY.
"But Jaryn," you might be thinking, "Based on this list, it looks like I can't ever be on my phone!" And to that, I say, you are correct, reader. Unless you're calling your mom (points for you!), get off your fucking phone. Please. Or else I will throw it at the wall. It'll be my pleasure.
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