Today, I am alive. I am surrounded by undeniable beauty. The sun shines brightly in my eyes and a slight breeze urges my skirt to dance. I feel the cold air rush through my knitted tights and it sends chills up and down my entire body. As I walk, I hear the crunch of the snow under my boots. The smell of pine trees and a distant campfire calm me as I keep moving forward. I have no destination. In fact, I start to realize that I might be lost.
Step by step, my feet continue on without paying any attention to the hint of fear in my heart. I begin to move faster. My feet pick up the pace and then I find myself running. I’m running up the steep incline of a mountain. I can feel my boots slip and slide underneath me each time I hit a patch of packed snow. My warm breath leaves a short-lived trail behind me as I exhale. I am approaching the top of the ascent. Everything is foreign up here. Everything is new to me. I come to an abrupt halt at the mountain’s peak. Cheeks flushed, out of breath, and exhausted, I lift my eyes.
My mind has never been so clear and my eyes have never seen such beauty. Perfectly carved canyons graciously allow rushing rivers to flow through. Scattered trees display different shades of orange and green. I’m catching the last of autumn before a fast approaching long, cold winter. Grateful for this moment I contemplate my life. The peace I’m experiencing in this moment seems to be mending my broken heart. As I feel it return to its resting heartbeat, I feel less shattered. I feel less pain. This perfect combination of escape and release allows me to truly feel alive again.
The only description I can think of is joy. I am neither being consumed by my past nor worrying about the future. I am living in the present and in this, I am overcome by a joyful presence. The presence I’m experiencing is one worth rejoicing over. It is one worth fighting for. It is a presence so concrete that nothing compares. It is a presence that I promise to seek out in all that I do. It is one that I will hold onto in the depth of my soul. Why? Because it makes me feel worthy and loved- two realities that I’ve struggled greatly to accept.
Joy is different than happiness. I believe happiness is a depthless feeling that does not have the capacity to satisfy my soul. Joy, on the other hand, satisfies and delights my soul! It gives me a reason to push on through all the struggle and all the pain. Joy provides me the strength to truly live a purposeful life each day. So, after being in a dark and lonely place for a long time, I find myself. My entire being is still. My fractured heart surrenders to joy. A transformation occurs that doesn’t change me but it heals and guides me. Suddenly, I know I’m not lost anymore.
