Saturday night, I was approached by a guy. Expecting the usual compliment or cheesy pickup line, I was hit with “Are you wearing colored contacts?” I didn’t know what to say. Was he complimenting me or calling me fake? And as the conversation went on I realized I was spending it trying to gain the approval of a stranger, who I otherwise wouldn’t have made the effort.
Then it hit me. He delivered a backhanded compliment, knocking my confidence down a few pegs. Then all he had to do was ride it out as I spent the next 20 minutes engaged in the conversation, feeling the need to prove I wasn’t “fake.” And while I realized what had happened, and I walked away without giving him my number. I did walk away with a new found interest in the psychology behind “negging.”
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Neg is short for negative hit, and is essentially a trick. It was born on internet message boards in the early 90’s, turning into a global sub-culture after it’s feature in Neil Strauss’s bestselling book, The Game.The book was primarily written as an auto-biography, detailing one man’s journey to becoming a pick-up artist master. He makes a compliment with one hand and takes it away with the other, pushing the women to work to earn his approval.The point isn’t to be virtuously rude, or to pick the most insecure girl in the bar; because all you’ll end up with is a drink in your face.It’s more or less a tactic to level the playing field with someone who you would consider “out of your league.”
Negging is a mind trick, with vastly varying feedback and results. Even "The Game" has sparked controversy, rightfully so, with chapters titled, “How to Get the Women You Desire into Bed." But all the mixed reviews on Amazon weren’t helping me understand what this book was truly about. So I read it… and I actually liked it.
The problem with this book is that it creates a feedback loop. Neil does an excellent job creating the illusion of legitimacy; leading users to believe that the flaw always lies in the implementation of the method and not in the advice itself. So guys will continue to use it, despite failure. And women will continue to hate it, for obvious reasons. But perhaps the biggest problem is not Neil’s fault at all. "The Game"became a sort of bible, due to its cover design and publicity choices, when it’s clear Neil wasn’t intending to write a “how-to” book. Not to spoil the ending, but after rising to player status, he finds a girl who won’t fall for his tricks at all. In attempts to finally win her over, he dumps onto his bed all the phone numbers he's collected and tells her,
"I've spent two years meeting every girl in L.A. And out of them all, I chose you.”
But no one remembers the part where he renounces his tactics, placing actual, genuine, human interactions above them all. They remember all the sex he had and how he got it; which perhaps describes modern society better than any book or article ever could.
Honestly, Strauss’s book is well worth the read. Flirting is fun, and usually harmless. It’s only when you begin to experience, as Neil calls it, "Seducer’s paradox:" when success is no longer defined by getting laid or finding a girlfriend, but by how well you perform, that it becomes a problem.
So be young, reckless, and flirt as much as your heart desires. Maybe even throw in a “Neg” every once in a while (yes, even the women too). But don’t get so caught up in mind games that you lose the things that make flirting so great to begin with. It’s like Neil eventually figures out…
“To win the game was to leave it.”
