The following was written with no intention of sharing, but after getting into a horrible car accident and feeling like I failed my Stats final, I decided to let the world now how different things really are when someone hides behind a social media account.
I am writing this with no intention of sharing what is about to be spoken, but what I love and what I’m good at, is writing. No matter what I feel or do throughout my day, I typically write about it. My normal pieces are not as serious as this one; this one is different. I am writing this piece because I am tired; mentally, physically, and emotionally.
To anyone out there who thinks I have my life figured out, I don’t. To anyone who thinks, “why are her plans working out?”, they’re not. To anyone who thinks I am perfect, I’m far from it.
Tonight I had an old friend tell me that I am an inspiration and that she admired me in high school. Last week someone said my writing and my story moves them and it is so inspiring. A few months ago someone said to me, “I look at all of your posts and pictures and it looks like you have it all figured out. You’re interning at the hospital; you are on track for med school. I’m just wondering where I f*cked up.” I’m not lying when I say that these comments come up often; either from people I know or people who know me. My close friends know that I sometimes struggle or I sometimes make mistakes, but to outsiders or people just looking at a picture I've posted, they think I’m “doing so well” or that I’m “an inspiration”.
Surprise, surprise, but contrary to popular belief, I am not okay. I am not doing well and I am definitely not perfect. Yesterday I probably had one of the worst days and it broke me. I got to a point last night where I was perfectly okay with my tomato face and puffy, tear-filled eyes. I am human and I know that I can have a bad day. Something about yesterday, though, urged me to write this. Like I said before, I write…a lot. If I end up sharing this, well that’s great. If nobody really cares for what I have to say, that’s cool, this is just my way of self-expression.
At this point, I have realized I am actually a very open person, despite my shy and quiet nature around most people. So, here is where it gets interesting…
Lately, I have been feeling very lonely. Though, I think staying on campus with little human interaction would make anyone feel that way. But it’s not just the loneliness that’s getting me down. It’s also the extreme amount of pressure I put myself under. All my life I’ve wanted to be a doctor; I’ve thought of nothing else. That was my first problem I encountered when I came to college. I came in so close minded that I didn’t give anything else a chance. The problem with that was when I was struggling through my math requirements, I realized med school may not be for me. I felt like I was suffocating and once I realized that, my world (and my mind) started spinning. What was I going to do? What else do I consider? Should I be a lawyer? A teacher? What will I do now that I don’t know what I want to do? Questions, upon questions, upon more questions. I still haven’t figured out the answers, but I’m (very slowly) starting to realize that’s okay.
Despite having a crappy day and failing to be productive, I learned a lot. I learned that it’s okay to not have everything figured out. It’s okay to not have plans go your way. And it’s okay to not be okay. My one wish, as a struggling college student, but also as a human being, is that people communicate more; check up on one another. Besides the people I go to school with, I have very few people who ask me how I am doing. Granted, I am a very busy person and I hardly have time to talk, but it would be nice to receive a, “hey, how are you?” or even a “wyd?” every once in a while. Instead of assuming someone’s status update or selfie at the beach means they’re okay, ask them. College is hard, but it’s even worse when you feel like you’re doing it alone.
For a long time I was afraid to admit to failure and loneliness. My first thought was that I was the only one struggling and that these difficult changes came easy to everyone else. I also thought people would judge me, or think I was attention seeking. Turns out, the only person who judged me, was me. I reached out to someone last night and they said to me, "Honestly, I'm guilty. I look at your statuses and your pictures and think you are having a blast up there. I think it's easy to assume the best because pictures can be so deceitful. And in regards to school, you are so young and you don't need to know what you want to do. Everything works out in the end." Hearing those words made me realize something...
In today's society, we look at social media accounts and think those people are perfect and they have their whole lives figured out. As young adults especially, we assume we have to be put together and perfect; uploading pictures and updating statuses to seem as if everything is fine. In reality, no matter how mature or independent any of us are, we are still human and we still need cheerleaders. So, to anyone who made it this far down the page: be a cheerleader. Check on your friends, your family, or even the kid who looks like they might be struggling in class; ask them how they are really doing. And to anyone who might be, or have been, feeling the same way: you are not alone and you are definitely not a failure. You are simply growing and learning.
