One of the most common questions I was asked as a child was, “If you could be an animal, what would you be?” Naturally I would respond a monkey, a dolphin, or a liger because I’d want to be cute, able to swim, or majestic. But what if I said a slug? Slugs are slow. The world around them is happening and they are just inching through life. Can you imagine? Well apparently there were a good number of kids who desired this lifestyle because I have seen them, been late because of them, and often pray that natural selection eliminates them from the planet. We’ve all encountered slow walkers, and if you haven’t, chances are that you are one and you need to PICK UP THE FREAKING PACE. If we had thought bubbles above our heads, here are some of the things that would appear as we trail behind the slow walkers of the world.

1. Do you not have a life to live? Nowhere to be? Anyone to see?
2. You're right, the middle of the sidewalk is the perfect place to stop.
3. Right. Left. Right. Left. NOT. THAT. HARD.
4. This sidewalk ain’t big enough for the two of us. *In old country movie voice*
5. There are children in Africa that would love to be walking, why aren’t you?
6. WALK, FORREST, WALK!!
7. What has 2 legs, no sense of society’s standards, & is ruining my schedule? (YOU)
8. You need to move it move it, you need to move it move it, you need to…MOVE IT.
9. Abe Lincoln once said, "I am a slow walker, but I never walk back" and we all know how that turned out…too soon? Alright don't be so sensitive.
10. MOVE B*TCH, GET OUT DA WAY
11. I went to the year 3000, not much had changed because I was still stuck behind you
12. Okay fine, I'll walk on your left and go around. Seriously, right when I'm about to pass? Alright shifting to the right, cue turn signal…okay…here we go…WHAT THE HAIL? FINE, into the grass...aaaaaand great, foot in dog shit. Happy Monday.
13. Follow the social contract you signed when you decided to be a human and walk at a decent pace
14. Now walk it out, walk it out, walk it out (of my way).
15. Check out this article, Walking Pace a Stronger Predictor of Death Risk Than Smoking, Scientists Discoverhttp://news.nationalpost.com/health/walking-pace-a-stronger-predictor-of-death-risk-than-smoking-scientists-discover
16. Or this New York Times article if that one was too harsh, Why a Brisk Walker is Betterhttp://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/12/04/why-a-brisk-walk-is-better/?_r=0
17. I’m stepping on your ankles, how does that not bother you?
18. DEAR F*$#@*! MOVE. GOSH D!#*&?. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
19. Please, just move.

To all the slow walkers reading this, just know that we don’t hate you; we just hate what you do to our lives. So please, we’re begging you, move or move out of the way. PEACE. LOVE. BYE.