Men everywhere wonder why women take so long in the bathroom. They think it is because there is a social gathering and gossip but these are the real reasons. It takes time to do your buisness.

1. Pick a stall that suits you

It is okay to walk into a stall and walk right out to pick another one. Sometimes your throne of choice needs a little remodeling, so go to a different one. The people behind you will thank you because now they know not to use that one either. It is a win-win for everyone!

2. Close and lock the door

I am sorry but nobody wants to see what you are doing in there, and someone might accidentally open the door when you are in your prime. Not fun. If the door does not have a lock, do not panic! Have a friend or a trustworthy looking person hold it for you. If you are socially awkward, just hold it with one hand, trust me, it is possible to multi-task.

3. CHECK FOR TOILET PAPER

Do not even think about getting half naked unless you check for toilet paper. I know, sometimes we really got to go or we just need to send a quick text message before we do our duty and checking for toilet paper is the last thing on our mind, it is okay. If that happens, relax and politely ask someone to get you some. I am sure they will understand. If you are the only person in there or you are socially awkward then just do the shake until you feel good and move on with your life. This method will only work with Number One though because when shit happens, you are on your own.

4. Know what kind of “sitter” you are

To my knowledge, there are 3 types: The Careless Sitter, who just straight up does not care and sits right on the toilet seat, The Cautious Sitter, who will put down toilet paper or the toilet seat cover paper before sitting down, and The Squat Sitter, who refuses to touch the toilet seat so they squat the whole time. One is not greater than the other but the squatters probably have better legs than the others.

5. Remember to flush

Okay this should be common sense but sometimes those automatic toilets can be tricky. I do not trust them and neither should you. Sometimes they do not work so you must find the secret button to flush your worries away. Sometimes when they do work right away then half-way through the day you will not remember if you flushed or not and get embarrassed for yourself. Trust issues.

6. Check the toilet seat for anything gross

One of my pet peeves is when someone leaves their nasty pee left on the seat. PLEASE wipe that off because that is definitely not my job (this is mostly for The Squat Sitter because I am not sure how the others could end up getting pee on the seat, but it might be possible). Also, if you shed like I do and there is hair on the seat, wipe or blow it off! I do not want someone’s DNA near any of my private parts. Especially since I cannot be 100% sure which part of the body the hair came from.

7. Wash your hands

This is so important for your own and others health. Germs are not butter so do not spread them. If you are in a hurry all the time, bring a mini hand sanitizer with you. It will only help, not hurt.

8. Look in the mirror and breathe (if you want)

We are all brave and confident women. Taking a look in the mirror to reassure yourself, physically and/or mentally is OK. We all do it. Just remember when you walk out into the world your business is done and you can do whatever you want to without the need “to go.”

Porta Potties are another story.