Sometimes I am asked if it still hurts. Other times I am asked if I ever got over it. My answer is yes, to both questions. Yes, it still hurts sometimes because I woke up everyday for weeks, even months, knowing I wasn’t good enough. Although yes, I got over it because it was just that that made me realize he wasn’t the one for me. I know that one person that is meant for me wouldn’t make me feel how I felt. They would make me feel valued, wanted, and loved. However, I was made to feel quite the contrary when I was with him.
I guess I eventually fell into this deep abyss of confusion that I could no longer escape. I did not realize what was going on because I could not see. The darkness clouded my judgment. I think I got used to being used. I got used to the feeling and I thought it was normal. I got used to waking up and feeling as though I had to prove that I was worthy of his time. I would spend all day making sure that he was satisfied and forget about my own well being. I shied away from the fact that I was not seen as an equal or even worthy of anything. I spent every day trying to convince myself that things would change, that he would change, but deep down I knew that he never would. Hurting me and taking advantage of me was his form of bliss.
He let me down. He purposely lied to me and showed me everything that I could have just to pull it out from underneath my feet. He lured me in just to let me down. This was all part of a sick and twisted game. I thought what he and I had was love. He made me think it was love. But, it was not love. I can’t tell you how many countless nights I spent in my bed aching because of how much it hurt and how many days I spent fighting for someone that couldn’t fight for me back. Then, I finally lived the one day where I realized everything, mainly, I realized that I was in love alone and my own well-being was in jeopardy.
At first, I missed him so much; so much so that I cried at every song, every movie, and every word that made me think of him. But then, I found that there was never really anything to miss in the first place. Sure, I miss the memories with him and I, but I can never relive them anyway. Why would I miss a jerk who took advantage of me and treated me less than what I deserve? How could I let myself even miss him for a second after what he put me through? Once I realized that, I got over him, once and for all.
You get over him once you learn that how you were being treated in the past isn’t what you deserve. You get over him once you learn that you are more important than what he leads you to believe. Lastly, you get over him once you realize that you are now damaged because he was damaging to you. Once you realize all of those things, you can get over him. You can start to repair yourself. It will hurt, take it from me, but you are worth it. You are worth it to rebuild yourself into the beautiful garden you were before he cut you down.
Now, he is just someone I used to be invested in. I used to have my future planned with him. I used to love him, now I just feel bad for him because he will never have what I have. He will never be half the individual that I am. He will never love someone so deeply or treat someone so highly, like I do, and in the end, that is what really matters.
