Finals Week. The dreaded end of the year physical and mental test on college students all across the nation in the form of several examinations. Finals Week. A trial by fire that separates the man from the boy. Many college students have lost their lives to such a week. One wrong answer on an exam could be the difference between Graduate School or forever working as a fry-cook at McDonald's. I have endured such trials and have come out victorious. However, in the most recent Finals Week, I had a disadvantage. I am a Procrastinator. I have decided to compile all of the knowledge I have gained into this field manual to help future procrastinators like myself.
Sunday- The Night Before Exams
If you are a procrastinator, you have most likely done nothing at this point and now have four exams, five research papers, six peer reviews, seven reading responses, eight essays to read, and your honors thesis all due later this week. You probably have an essay due tonight at midnight. Don't do it. I repeat, do not do it.You are not yet ready for it.
First, you must go have fun with friends. This is the last time you may see them.
Next, its almost midnight. Go and buy yourself several cases of Energy drinks. The exact number of cases should directly correlate to the number of exams you have. The drink does not matter. It can be Monster, Red Bull, or even pure monkey-adrenaline. Whatever keeps you awake.
Finally, start working. It should now be 1:30 in the morning. That is good. You don't need sleep. Sleep is for the dead.
Monday- The First Exam
It is now approximately 7:55. You spent all night working on the paper that was due that morning. You have only five minutes to study all of the material that you learned throughout the semester. Drink two energy drinks and get started.
Now that the exam is done, start working again. Drink two more energy drinks. Its normal for you to hear screaming. If you start to bleed out your nose, go to the hospital.
Tuesday- The Second Exam
This is exactly the same scenario as the first day's exam. However, little girls wearing all black may start asking you to play with them. I'm not sure if this is a side affect of the drinks or if it is a trap from the test makers. Either way, it is not a good idea.
You may have struggled with this exam because your hand was too shaky to hold the pen/pencil. This is perfectly normal. The best way to counteract this shake is to eat a piece of gum. It does nothing to help the shake, I've just always heard eating gum during an exam helps and I wanted to include it in this guide somehow.
Wednesday- The Third Exam
By this point you have completed three exams and three of your five research papers. It is time to step outside to get some fresh air. Remember to use SPF 100 sunscreen. Your lack of exposure to the sun can now cause third degree burns.
After you get your fresh air, it is time to power through your last two papers and your last exam. You must set the mood. Listen to something upbeat and motivational. I opt for U.S. Marine Drill Sergeants yelling. This helps me to focus. Whatever you do, do not listen to anything from the Beatles. With your lack of sleep and toxic levels of caffeine, one song will transport you to another dimension from which there is no return.
Thursday- The Final Exam
Congratulations, you have survived Finals Week. Now, as a reward you can go and get some sleep. You'll wake up in approximately two weeks. That is completely normal. You should, however, warn your significant other so they don't commit suicide seconds before you wake up thinking that you are dead.
You can follow this plan, or you can do your work all semester and study a week before exams. Whatever floats your boat. Good luck, and may the odds ever be in your favor.
