Fact: Brownies are amazing.

Also Fact: Not all brownies are created equal.

If we're all being honest brownies are the most perfect dessert ever crafted for human consumption. Cookies, cake, ice cream, they're all fine and dandy, but they pale in comparison to the brownie. And a good brownie improves a day exponentially. A bad day is made better, and a good day becomes great.

But, conversely, a bad brownie has the opposite effect. Bad brownies ruin everything. And when I say everything I mean everything. EVERYTHING. Did you just pet a puppy? That puppy just got picked up by an owl and taken away. Did you just get married? Now your racist uncle is throwing mini taco appetizers at the wait staff and telling them to 'go back to their own country.' Did you just get promoted at your job? Turns out that you've actually been apart of a new version of Punk'd, still hosted by Ashton Kutcher of course, for your entire career. Did you just have your first child? Guess what, he/she just got picked up by an owl and taken away. That's what it's like to eat a bad brownie. And if you're thinking, 'Oh, it can't be that bad,' you've obviously never had a bad brownie. And if that's the case I am simultaneously happy for you and very jealous of you.

But let's really analyze why this is the case. What is it about brownies that allows them to have such an influence over all of our lives. I believe it has to do with the fact that brownies are the very physical manifestation of the emotion joy. Forget about Amy Poehler, brownies are the purest form of joy. (I'm sorry, Amy, I love you) And so the problem with bad brownies is that they make false promises of happiness and satisfaction. You get all excited about the prospect of delicious, fudgy bliss, only to be met with a dry, cakey mess of sadness. Bad brownies taste like how your father feels when you decide to turn down Harvard to go to Clown College instead. Bad brownies taste like opening a pack of Starburst and only getting green apple flavored ones. They taste like hugging a teddy bear only to find out later that that teddy bear is filled with poison ivy and now you have a rash. They taste like disappointment. And those brownies should be ashamed of themselves. And they know which ones they are: the ones that are over baked, those individually wrapped ones that taste more like their plastic wrappers than actual chocolate, milk chocolate brownies, I mean, come on, who even likes milk chocolate? No one, that's who. And if you say you like milk chocolate I strongly suggest you seek professional help.

But, in all honesty, I'm not angry at those bad brownies, I'm just disappointed.