Some time ago I was discussing the 45^th president’s vulgar language in regards to general incidents with women where he sexually assaulted them. The conversation was tame, and those I was discussing this with actually happened to agree entirely on the subject, at least on the surface.

We both agreed that it was obscene and completely unbecoming of a decent human being. However, he uttered one statement that would continue to push the gears along in my brain: “That's worse than locker room talk. That’s not what locker room talk is like.” This sentiment was echoed in most critical reactions to the incident. Of course, the dishonorable circus that is our mainstream media also latched onto this idea that even bad locker room talk wasn’t that bad.

I have a different perspective.

Locker room talk is that bad. Men do joke and instigate about disgusting and offensive actions. I have never been an athlete, so perhaps I am forbidden from commenting on the literal “locker room” talk, but the general idea of it being how men communicate “with the boys” is absolutely something myself and millions of other American males have experienced.

I have had the pleasure, and displeasure, of working as a line cook in a busy restaurant. I learned that locker room talk does not even compare in vulgarity to “kitchen talk." There is in both scenarios a silent acceptance that you’re going to say things you would not anywhere else, and that in itself does not need to be negative. It is what sometimes is encouraged that damages society.

I have heard rape jokes and assault jokes, as well as jokes about stealing girls from their boyfriends and how acquaintances would physically attack the boyfriend. There have been jokes and musings about knocking out the father’s if they have a problem with whatever they decide to do. It basically all boils down to bravado and posturing. Yet it plays into so many of the deeper issues with masculinity in general.

When talk like this occurs, guys are expected to goad each other on and encourage further fraternization. This is fine, like a sense of brotherhood and support, but there are men who deliver lines that sound like our President’s pussy grabbing more often than we want to admit. Quite often they are similarly aggressive “chest beaters” who upon further examination are actually devoid of any substance. All too frequently there is no one who will speak up and “betray” the social expectations of laughing along and continuing “guy talk”. The problem is that men like that and those who follow them do in fact allow themselves to be influenced to make poor decisions.

Pondering on that idea that locker room talk isn’t that bad, I have come to realize that this kind of behavior has existed alongside me for the majority of my life.

When I was a teenager, I can remember two instances where rumors flew that someone had intercourse with someone who was alleged to be far too intoxicated to consent. I watched several guys joke about it, even once to the victim’s face. I saw girls tricked and pressured out of their clothes on camera, on both the Internet and in person.

In another memory from high school I argued on multiple occasions with friends over secretly inserting a substance into tobacco we were sharing that would make guests horny at a party we wanted to throw. The “secretly” piece was where I took up my issue, but looking back I am more surprised at how completely taken aback these friends were when I disagreed.

I can remember other instances in college where men joked openly about hitting their girlfriends if they disobeyed them or didn't satisfy them sexually. This was alongside casual utterances of “she was asking for it in those clothes”, or hearing stories about girls being physically pulled back into dorm rooms they were actively trying to escape.

In little to none of these experiences, not one man spoke up to say any of this was wrong. Only after I had matured and began to open my eyes to the culture that exists around me that I began to challenge that kind of talk.

This kind of talk reveals the things men are taught to value. Aggression is prized over assertiveness, while interpersonal intelligence and empathy are looked down upon as feminine or weak. Your worth generally boils down to how many beers you can drink, alongside how well you can throw your ego around and how well you can bullshit. Sex is all too often the pinnacle achievement that takes precedence over character, commitment, and professional attainment.

The result is that the ideal is an aggressive, overly sex-obsessed, smooth talking young man who has learned that his bravado can overcome just about any obstacle. He believes his own hype and encourages other men to be aggressive either sexually or in other situations in life. He has little self-control, gets what he wants, and for this, everyone takes him at face value and envies him. This is where “f**k boys” eventually come from, and later on incompetent leaders.

Why are these the type of men that our culture creates? Why do we continue to hold them up and buy chest beating as real charisma and leadership ability?

We are socialized to be this way and it takes active thought and consideration to counter these ideas and values. I target “locker room” talk because this is where the most effective change can occur to curb sexism, violence, and rape culture. Men need to make changes in how they communicate to themselves and how they behave with other men.

I want to be absolutely crystal clear that I am not lambasting my fellow men as a whole. There are legions of men, young and old, who have been an inspiration to me and have always stood for tactful, intelligent and assertive leadership. Not all men are pigs.

There are however, men that earn that moniker, and in response to this reality I am deliberately betraying gender norms and speaking from a place that men are not supposed to.

Guys, we are not doing as good a job as we can. It is going to take work on both sides of the sexes to change the current realities of what is accepted and how we are expected to behave. While they may seem like small indiscretions, when millions of them are occurring it has a dramatic effect on shared culture. We need to excel as a people, with all people. To do that we must reject ideas and values that hurt so we can take. Further, these are the same ideas, actions, and thoughts that lead to double standards and unfair treatment towards men as well.

Lastly I want to say that there is so much more to say on the subject and I can only scratch the surface here. Many brave men and women have aired these concerns before me. Though I believe wholeheartedly that in order for this type of behavior to end it needs to be targeted and changed by men in situations where their word is going to be the most powerful.