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Health and Wellness

Prison

Always Broken

Jelissa Hodges

Nov 29, 2016

Mercy College

Luke Rioux

Prison

I'm never going to be fixed

I’m never going to be free

I’m never going to escape the feelings that keep weighing on me
I'm never going to have the pieces of my heart together
I'm never going to beat the same
I'm never going to be the same
I want to numb the pain so bad that if it was physical I would keep
punching myself, I would keep my body in hot water for hours or hit my head on the wall until I can't feel pain anymore
You hurt me
You lied to me
You chose to be with me when I was at my most vulnerable
You chose to be with me so you can break me
Because I wasn't good enough
I was kind
I was sweet
Qualities you never wanted in me
You chose to be with me because I was weak
You knew that if you had hurt me
I could never be the same
Your excuses were that you wanted to toughen me out
To not be kind
To not be sweet
I can't even recognize the old me
You knew by hurting me, I would hurt myself
I would cry to sleep
I would want to cut my skin so deep so it can bleed
To the point where I would rush to the emergency room
Where doctors would heal me
You knew that I was so weak that I wouldn't want to breathe
You knew that I would be depressed
And feel like no one will ever love me
That no one will ever care for or about me
You would curse at me
You would grab me
You would use me
You would cause me agony
I feel so trapped inside my own body because I can never be free of the hurt, and the pain that you had caused me
I can never be free of you because all you do is haunt me
All the bad memories haunt me
They surround me
They're trapped inside me
I can never trust anyone ever again
Because of the type of love that you showed me when it wasn't really love
and just abuse
It was control over my soul that is becoming cold
You shattered my heart into pieces

Forever tortured in my mind, forever suffering inside because of your cruel ways

Should’ve known that you never meant a damn thing when you said you were devoted to me
And I can't seem to put the pieces of my heart back in the right place so it can beat properly
You broke me and
I will always be
Because of the choice I made when I thought you were good for me
But to find out that
I will never be free because of the feelings I have, the pain that you caused, making me unknown to my own self, realizing
I am a prisoner in my own body.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

You need sleep, but also have 13 things due in the span of 4 days.

1. When it's December 1 and you have seven things due, three exams, and haven't slept in three days.

2. So you stress.

3. And cry.

4. Then call your mom to cry some more.

5. After the pep talk, you feel determined to get everything done.

6. But, now you're tired.

7. And really hungry.

8. Suddenly, it's 2 a.m. and you have only written three sentences and your paper is due in the morning.

9. You've made it to Friday... somehow.

10. Then Sunday hits and you find yourself back at the Lib.

11. So you cry some more.

12. But, you fight through the tears to get everything done because you're determined.

13. In the end, you feel on top of the world because you made it through the last week of class alive.

14. But, now it's finals week so good luck.

The ultimate list and gif guide to a college student's brain during finals.

What does the world outside the library look like?

Can I read this entire book tonight?

I should have gone to class more often.

Did the professor even teach this?

What is the lowest grade I can get on this exam and still pass the class?

Should I just drop out of school now?

Finals are ruining Christmas.

Just wrote three sentences so time for a break.

Need. More. Coffee.

What is sleep?

I'm too stupid for college.

Brain hurts.

Time for a Facebook Break.

I think I'm dying.

When will I ever need this information in the real world?

I can't read any of my notes.

I need my mom.

When was the last time I showered?

I need study snacks.

The struggle is so real right now.

"I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever else invented copy and paste. Thank you."

1. I'm so tired. I need a nap. Maybe I can sleep with my eyes open in class? Or pretend I'm not napping?

2. We have a test today? Why didn't anyone tell me? Did I know this?!

3. Can I quit school yet? It's only October, and I need a vacation.

4. The struggle is so real.

5. I'm so broke. SOS.

6. Stressed? Eat everything you own in your pantry and stuff your face with all your feelings.

7. "Did we have anything due in class today? Homework? Quiz? Test?" "Not that I know of..."

8. I need food. Where is the closest place to get food? I need it stat.

9. This is the longest day of my life. I need a drink, or two, or three.

10. Sleep? What is sleep? What a foreign concept.

11. When someone suggests going and studying in the library, let alone studying in general.

12. When the cafeteria or student center is packed and you can't find a seat anywhere so you literally have to sit in an abandoned corner.

13. When you see someone you used to hook up with. They see you, and approach you; so you have to pretend like everything is normal.

14. When you get your exam and realize you didn't study as much as you should have.

15. When you crush it on an exam or paper that you totally bullshitted.

16. I need a grande, extra strong coffee to get me through today.

17. When the professor announces you have a project due the following week with no instruction on what it's on and how to do it.

18. Is it Friday yet? Where's the weekend when you need it most?

19. It's freezing in here. I feel like I'm sitting in an igloo. I should have brought a jacket or worn long pants.

20. Did I remember my book? Damn, I forgot the book, and of course I need it for that quiz in class.

21. I would pay a million dollars to not go to class today; or actually never again.

22. I need a hoverboard to ride to class. Maybe then I wouldn't be running 15 minutes late to class every day.

23. Oh she/he's cute! I wonder if they're single. Who are they texting? They're BF/GF? I wonder if they think I'm cute. Could they be a potential new bae?

24. Why is there never any parking? I pay thousands of dollars a year for one parking spot to be open.

25. When it feels like you've been in class for an hour and you look at your phone and it has only been five minutes (I'm crying on the inside).

26. When the professor asks if there are any more questions at the end of class and someone raises their hand.

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