In listening to Mark Knopfler’s “Storybook Love” ballad from the movie “The Princess Bride,” I came to two realizations. One, I am a sap. A big, soggy, mushy, sap of a person. Two, when you try to compare your own romantic relationships to that of Buttercup and Wesley, yours always falls short.

I have been seeing this huge surge of articles talking about how the '80s really messed us elder millennials up. And, I suppose they did. I will always be scarred by Artax dying in the Swamps of Sadness. The idea that the horse becomes too sad to go on living is absolutely horrifying. It’s also pretty realistic. Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes people get too sad to go on living. Maybe that was caused by “The Neverending Story.” However, it’s more likely that “The Neverending Story” was more social commentary than fiction fantasy. I am certain that The Goblin King was a bad guy. After all, he stole babies and turned them into ugly little monsters. But, he did it in such a sexy way. The idea that bad guys are cool and desirable, even if they’re really awful monsters, just kind of gets stuck in your head. And '80s David Bowie wearing polyester pants that are [a bit] too tight will always trump the fact that he’s an awful and ultimately, non-redeemable, character. So, thank you '80s, you’ve scarred a whole generation for life.

But, I digress. Nothing has stuck with me more than this idea of "True Love." It’s the thing that so many people are constantly searching for. And, it exists. I’m sure of that. It just doesn’t exist in the “kiss that left them all behind” sort of way. So, let’s talk about this. [Princess] Buttercup is sort of awful. She is cold and demanding. She knows she is beautiful and uses it to get her way. Enter Wesley, the farm boy who worked her land. He does everything she ever tells him to do, no matter how innocuous. He replied with only, “As you wish,” which evidently meant, “I love you.” If you’ve seen the movie, then I’m sure you’re thinking, "What I wouldn’t do for an, 'As you wish.'"

Eventually, she realizes she loves him, but being a poor farm boy he had nothing to offer her father for her hand in marriage. So, he takes off to better himself for her and for their love. But, when he doesn’t return, Buttercup finds herself engaged (albeit not willingly) to a douche of a prince. Wesley, in full pirate disguise, rescues Buttercup. Then she throws him off a Cliffside. As he falls, what does he yell out? As you flippin’ wish. After which, he saves her from giant rodents, becomes mostly dead, is revived by a miracle pill (and the power of true love) and without full use of his legs saves her from the Prince once and for all. If that doesn’t say, love, then I don’t know what does.

And, through all of this, Wesley is loving someone who, while beautiful, doesn’t have all that many redeeming qualities. Now, I like to think that I have some positive qualities, things that others may find attractive. I am not perfect. But, I try to be a good human. As such, don’t I (don’t we all) deserve the love that Wesley has for Buttercup? Of course, we do.

But, that love isn’t realistic. No one will lay their life on the line for someone who hasn’t particularly treated them well. People have trouble laying their life on the line for people who have treated them well. I realize that no one will come riding in on a white horse to save me from my mundane existence. But, like if you have a white horse and want to make my day, then that would be great. I don’t know that someone will ever love me so much that they cling to their last shred of life after grueling torture just to see my face again. But, even though I know that real life isn’t like the story book, I still feel entitled to these things.

So, has “The Princess Bride” ruined my life? No. Absolutely not. It’s given me fervent belief in a love that will span time and distance. It’s given be a healthy escape from reality and a less healthy belief in fantastic things. But, it really has had an impact on how I see myself and how I view relationships. I can be happy. I can be loved. I can love in return. But, compared to the love that Wesley has for Buttercup, my relationships will always pale in comparison. Of course they are. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t throw myself a pity party every now and again.