I attended a private Catholic college-prep school from kindergarten to high school graduation. I experienced, first hand, the enormous amount of pressure to succeed that some students are put under, from their parents, teachers, even friends. Every day for students there was an AP test to study for, band practice after school, a varsity sport to train for, or theater production to rehearse. Ninety-nine percent of graduates from my high school attend some type of college the following year, and in some friend groups and cliques, it was important to look your best, get high grades, and get into an elite college in order to fit in.
As a somewhat mediocre student with occasional extracurriculars, I didn’t fit the mold of the typical student there. Feeling overwhelmed by non-AP classes made me feel ashamed, and instead of seeking help from tutors, I acted like I was confident, like I had it all under control like everyone else when, in reality, that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I didn’t want to ask for help, because I thought admitting I needed it would affirm that I was dumb. I often thought, “Why can’t I just be smart like everyone else?”
Fortunately, I did eventually realize that everyone is good at some things and worse at others. School work doesn’t come easily to every student and some, like me, really need to put in time and effort to do well in classes that my peers considered easy. I was utterly terrible at all types of math but enjoyed English, which provided a silver lining, encouraging me to try harder in that subject and eventually the others, rather than letting my discouragement at low scores tempt me to stop trying. Despite this, I still never achieved the coveted 4.0, or even a 3.5, even when trying my absolute best. Even though I now know that that is perfectly okay, the culture of success I was immersed in made it very hard to realize it at the time.
Recently, there has been attention drawn to the “Palo Alto suicides,” a cluster of suicides committed by students in the past few years at several Palo Alto high schools. These schools are well-known for high test scores and high college acceptance rates, yet the 10-year suicide rate at these high schools is five times the national average. Are the intense expectations causing students to crack under pressure?
While grades are arguably the most important aspect of school, teenagers should also be focused on what to do with their friends over the weekend, who to ask to prom, and practicing for their driver’s licenses. Too much stress, hours upon hours spent on homework each day, and the fear of failure can lead to anxiety and depression.
I had a younger friend I knew from a volunteer summer program who committed suicide last year. A few weeks before, he had posted a status on Facebook in which he said he had been denied acceptance to an Ivy League university. At the time he posted this status, I saw it and considered sending him a private message telling him that I hadn’t been accepted to my first choice colleges, either, but ended up being happy with the choice I did make, even if it is not the most well-known or sought-after school. I wanted to tell him that grades do not define anyone’s intelligence, and that it is the student that makes the most of their college experience, not the reputation of the school. However, I decided not to -- I wasn’t sure if it would seem comforting or make him think I was being invasive. Plus, we hadn’t talked in quite some time. That decision is a major regret, now. I know it would not have made a difference in the long run, that there were many other factors that lead to his decision. It definitely wouldn’t have stopped him from taking his life.
Depression is complex and a terrible struggle; unfortunately there is no easy solution. Yet still, if I had just told him, he would have known I was rooting for him, that I cared. Now, I wish I could tell him how much his death affected me, how much I admired his intelligence, friendliness, and sense of humor. How everyone matters much more than they think they do, and even though we hadn’t seen or talked to each other in a while, I was crushed along with all of the others he affected in his life.
It is wonderful to strive to be the best you can be, to have extracurricular activities and AP classes, but it is also very important to remember not to overwhelm yourself. And even though it may not seem like it, your family, teachers and community care much more about you than what you can accomplish. Most just want you to work hard so you can have the best opportunities possible to be successful and happy in life, but do not want you to risk your well-being to get there. Remember to take a step back every so often and think, How am I doing? Am I getting enough sleep? Am I having fun? Am I extremely stressed out?
We can get overwhelmed and feel hopeless, and when dealing with any issues, our mental, physical and emotional health should always come first. Try talking to the people that care about you and let them know if you are struggling and need to lighten your workload or need help. If you don’t have any support or are feeling like giving up, reach out to a friend, therapist, or your local support hotline (for North Bay: 800-746-8181). And most of all, always remember that someone, somewhere, loves and needs you, just the way you are.
