In case you or your friends are having any trouble breaking down the current presidential candidates, here's a handy guide to who's who in the "Harry Potter" universe.
The Democratic Party
Hillary Clinton: Severus Snape.
Her motives haven't always been the clearest, and she seems to have changed sides on plenty of issues. But in the end, you have to admit she's just doing what she thinks is right. She's smart and talented, but she's always fighting to be the top. You just know that in some interview she'll be asked how long she's wanted to be President. And her answer? Always.
Bernie Sanders: Garrick Ollivander
He's the kindly older man you think could be your over-dramatic grandfather. He's a good guy who's been in the business for years. If you get close enough, you might hear him mumbling about how the White House chooses the President, Mr. Potter.
The Republican Party
Ted Cruz: Rubeus Hagrid.
Surprised? Think about it. He's the guy that everyone suspects of being an accidental (or on purpose) murderer. Media hypes him up, young people think he's either the Zodiac Killer or the Heir of Slytherin. On the inside, people know he's innocent. Probably. Also, look at that face. Cruz looks like the kind of guy to accidentally win a dragon from Voldemort at a bar.
John Kasich: Cedric Diggory
He's the guy that came out of nowhere not-so-long ago. At first, nobody knew who he was; a background minor character. But suddenly he's one of four competing for a very prestigious title. And face it; he too is a certified good guy. Nobody hates him. You may not have known who he was (Hufflepuffs do tend to go unnoticed), but there's no denying that he's a fairly likable person trying to make the school country a little better.
Donald Trump: Gilderoy Lockhart
Famous businessman and entrepreneur who's big on stunts and books/television shows about himself. He becomes a professor and/or a presidential candidate, but nobody takes him seriously at first because he's ridiculous. But soon he's saying outrageous things, revealing just what sort of person he is. You have to be wary; you might just learn something about him that you didn't want to know. Suddenly he's about to wipe your memory and it could be too late. He's surprisingly very dangerous. And come on. He definitely has thousands of portraits of himself.
Bonus round!
While they're not in the running, for one reason or another, their comparisons were too good to miss.
Marco Rubio: Draco Malfoy
Come on. Who else dresses so impeccably? Like Malfoy, Rubio is always perfectly neat and orderly. His catty side may show sometimes, but while he's made out to be the villain it's important to remember that Slytherins aren't always evil. But they're definitely ambitious. Ironic that one day he hopes he'll be working with a cabinet. As long as it's not the vanishing kind, we might be okay.
Jeb Bush: Neville Longbottom
He probably has had a pet toad at some point. Bush gets a bad rap as being weak or laughable, but don't forget he's still a Gryffindor. He's got bad luck, and he's probably asking himself, why is it always me?
Vermin Supreme: Sybill Trelawney
Nobody knows what his deal is. He's been around forever, and nobody takes him seriously. His sanity leaves something to be desired, but he's not dangerous. I would worry if he told me about the grim, though.
Ben Carson: Peter Pettigrew
He says odd things and is generally mistrusted. He lied about killing people years ago, only in Pettigrew's case he's the one that did it. We're not convinced Ben Carson isn't also someone's pet rat.
Joe Biden: Sirius Black
He isn't too cool for school, but he is too cool for everything else. He's a man of the people who is willing to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves. He's Obama's (and James') right-hand man, with a heart of gold and some badass tattoos.
The Obamas: The Potters
They're the couple. She's brilliant and everyone's WCW, and he's well-liked and put together, with a great sense of humor. Everyone wants to be one of them, with good reason.
Fox News: Rita Skeeter
That one media entity that people either mindlessly believe or absolutely despise. She and the channel lie about practically everything. It's only natural that they're secretly and illegally beetles.
There you have it. Your own handy guide to who's-who. We hope this helps. Thanks to my roomies for being Harry Potter consultants.
