A professor once told me that you want to choose a president that you could see yourself sitting down and sharing a beer with. I suppose it shows an excellent sense of friendship and trust to share a beer as a grown adult, but college kids will tend to drink whatever with whoever. Now that six candidates have dropped out, it’s getting down to the wire. Since all of these men and women have made it this far, each presidential candidate deserves their own drink, specifically set for them. You’re welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Bottoms up!
1. Bernie Sanders
I would take shots of something warm with Bernie because you’ve gotta “feel the Bern.” But I have to rag on him a bit: Since he looks like a bottle of Everclear, that’s what we’re drinking. We should both prepare to die.
2. Donald Trump
I’d try to drink a beer with Trump, simply because beer is good. But, as a woman, I’m not sure if he’d let me enjoy a “man’s drink.” I might have to drink a daiquiri instead. Oh well.
3. Hillary Clinton
There are enough pictures of Hillary throwin’ ‘em back, but you mostly see her drinking Presidente. I guess that’s fitting because she wants to be the “presidente” and all.
4. Jeb Bush
After almost flunking out of college, Bush spent time in Mexico. And got... married? I mean, cheers to you I guess! Here’s a shot of tequila.
5. Ben Carson
You little neurosurgeon, you. I’m sure Dr. Carson doesn’t even drink regularly. Just you wait, you will be taking shots if you become president, I promise. But, Mister “America’s Doctor,” could you handle absinthe? I’ve read that stuff can make you hallucinate. Talk about brain problems.
6. Chris Christie
Christie has never been shy about his love of food, so Pinnacle is the way to go. With all of their bizarre flavors, like every kind of cake ever made, he’s bound to love sharing a drink with me!
7. Ted Cruz
Born in Canada, eh? You can try to be a Texan, but born a Canadian, always a Canadian. We can share a maple leaf cocktail. I actually had to google Canadian drinks because, well, I’m American. But, this drink looks yummy. Go Canada!
8. Martin O’Malley
Mom? Is that you? Wow, what unfortunate letter choice. Hmm, moms always drink white wine. We can share a bottle of Charles Shaw “two-buck Chuck,” which is really three dollars now, so I’m spending big money on you, O’Malley. You’re welcome.
9. Carly Fiorina
Called the “worst CEO of her era” when she worked for Hewlett Packard, why should she deserve a drink? Despite her shortcomings, she did battle breast cancer. So you go, girl. Let’s share a martini.
10. Rand Paul
Since Paul is an ophthalmologist and a supporter of legalizing marijuana, I think he’d prefer something other than a drink if you know what I mean. He’d rather celebrate me having 20/20 with a little 4/20.
11. Lindsey Graham
Graham’s passion for religion may try to stop us from enjoying a mixed drink at a bar, but I’ll secretly chug Communion wine with you in the back pew.
12. Mike Huckabee
Since you’re currently being sued by Frankie Sullivan for playing his band’s song “Eye of the Tiger” at the Kim Davis rally, I believe that you would prefer an alcoholic drink right now. But we’re going to share an energy drink because you’re going to need some fuel for court.
13. Rick Santorum
Since Santorum is so anti-gay, I think it would be funny to trick him into meeting me at a gay bar, while I wait for the bartender to offer him a cosmo, on the house of course.
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