Who will be the next President of the United States of America? This is a question that will resonate through the heads of millions of Americans over the next ten months. Who succeeds current President Barack Obama is completely up to the American people. They are given one candidate from both major parties, and they are tasked with voting to elect one of those two candidates into office. Yes, technically there are political parties other than republicans and democrats, but those candidates seldom make the news, let alone make an actual run for the office of President, so I'm just going to ignore them for the sake of this article.

Alright, everyone has their own way of vetting the candidates presented within each party. We all have our own method to decide who we would wish to become the leader of the free world. Some decide to watch the debates, some watch each candidate's rallies, some first choose a party and then pick from those candidates. Personally, I like to look at the individual and just simply decide what I would think if I saw them as President of the United States. So, without further ado, here is the definitive rankings of the candidates running for President based on who would win the election if all you were allowed to do was look at them

12. Ted Cruz

This guy is absolutely not going to win. If any of you tell me that you look at Ted Cruz and see him representing our country around the world for the next four years, I'm going to tell you that you need glasses. It's that simple. No normal functioning American would be able to see that man running our country. His face just does not fit the part. Plus, even when he smiles, his eyes look like he's about the start bawling.

11. Chris Christie

No. Just no. Chris Christie looks like the laziest politician to ever hold office. I look at Chris Christie and I see a man who will sit on his couch late at night watching the Wheel of Fortune because he is too lazy to get up and find the remote. There is no way I'd ever elect this man into office.

10. Jeb Bush

Jeb Bush is the victim in every stereotypical bullying scenario you can think of. Just a young, normal, quiet kid who is every bully's first target. Do you want to know why the bullies pick him first? Because they know they'll succeed. Jeb's face basically asks us to take advantage of him. That not-negotiating-with-terrorists policy? Yeah, out the window if Jeb is elected. Guaranteed.

9. Jim Gilmore

Not like this guy would win anyway, but after seeing his picture, he has no chance. Jimmy boy looks like the type of person you would see at the beach in a speedo: an elderly man who isn't used to the changing times and doesn't realize that most people where boardshorts now, or just shorts in general. Nope. Jim just likes to wear his speedo. Goodbye, White House.

8. Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders should definitely not even be allowed to run for president simply because he looks as though he will drop dead any second from any type of complication in his die. Poor guy could stub his toe and it would probably set off a chain reaction of accidents that would kill him. Somebody drop out of the race for him or else he won't live to see who actually gets elected as the next President.

7. John Kasich

I'm going to be completely honest, I had no idea who this was when I saw his name, which is completely strange because he could honestly be a front runner based on what I saw. I mean there was a hint of that one uncle we all have who will never back down from his ideas no matter what we say, but other than that he seems to have his head on his shoulders. Keep trucking, Mr. Kasich.

6. Donald Trump

I'm sure many of you will disagree with this, but I just cannot see Donald Trump being in office. Yeah he's hilarious to watch in debates and when he bullies Jeb Bush into a quivering mess I hysterically laugh, but I cannot see that man running the greatest country in the world. His faces simply exudes an aura of selfishness, and I cannot get behind that. He does have the eyes though. His eyes scream cold-blooded politician who can get things done.

5. Carly Fiorina

Alright, Sarah Palin gets the description of being the hottest governor in the coldest state all the time, but my question is what about Carly?! She's definitely attractive, and while I don't think I could ever see her as president, she looks the part more than almost every other candidate. Bravo, Ms. Fiorina.

4. Hillary Clinton

Honestly, these last four candidates are basically tied in my book, but Hillary was slightly less qualified than the other three. I think it was to do with the fact that she has crazy eyes. Most successful politicians don't look at me with eyes the size of saucers looking like I'm the greatest thing they've ever seen. Hillary Clinton is a great candidate, but she falls short of being the next President.

3. Marco Rubio

This guy looks as far in the middle as you can get. If someone was to create a mold of the most average human being in the world, the would create Marco Rubio. Marco Rubio is the John Smith of the presidential candidates. He looks so normal and balanced that he seems like he would be a great choice for president of the United States.

(Quick sidenote: Rubio is also my actual favorite to win the election. He can definitely compromise and we NEED that.)

2. Martin O'Malley

I know that Mr. O'Malley has already dropped out of the running, but honestly that was a huge mistake on his part. Looking at him I literally see a President of the United States. Like, if I was casting the next Harrison Ford movie and I needed a man to play the President for Harrison Ford to save, I would probably pick this guy. Absolutely looks like a great politician. Make a name for yourself Martin! You have the face of a President!

1. Ben Carson

Ben Carson quite simply looks like the nicest human being on the planet. I don't care what you know about him. Put all that aside. Now look at his face. Calming, yes? Ben Carson wins my election 10 times out of 10 because of how at ease he can make me feel. One thing our country and the world needs most right now is peace, and I'm confident that with this man at our helm, he can look into the masses and make everyone sing kumbaya and hug each other within minutes. God that man has a hell of a face.

There you have it, folks. If you simply want to look at the candidates and go right to vote for the next President, vote Ben Carson. He will lead you to the promised land. However, I really hope most of you actually research and learn about the potential candidates. The President of the United States is an important position and we need the best qualified individual to be elected. Honestly, you should probably pick the candidate most in the middle. I'm not saying you should vote for Rubio, but you should definitely vote for the most average, normal candidate you can find. Definitely don't vote for Rubio, though. Do not vote for Marco Rubio. Definitely do not vote for him. DO NOT.