As a child I never cared about not having siblings or close relatives to spend the holidays with. It was never on my mind. I only cared about the gifts and the days off from school. It wasn't until I was older that I realised how lonely it got for me.

I am an only child and for most of the time it's great. Not having to share or worrying about competition, but looking at my friends with their siblings I feel like I missed out on something. I can't blame my mom because she wanted to get married before she had kids but I have always wanted a big brother. A lot of my friends have siblings who they hang with or argue with and I never experienced that. While i have excepted that sometimes I'm going to be alone it's still sad. You would expect family to fill that void but mine doesn't.

My cousins have always been older or younger than me. Those that were close to my age lived in New York and we had nothing in common with or they live in North Carolina. I am an only child on both sides and my parents siblings do not have any children either. My mom's cousins never call or let us know anything so we don't see them. It's always been me and my mom during holidays. My dad is not with my mom so he usually stops by for a plate or drops off my gifts before he goes to work. My mom's mom is usually in North Carolina during the holidays, but this year she was not but still chose to stay home instead of coming over. And as I look at my college friends on Facebook and Instagram with their big families and siblings I get a little sad. Maybe that's why since I started college I want me and my mom to have matching pajamas just to feel something. Things like this are making me think differently about my future.

I have always said I do not want kids. They are a lot to handle and seem annoying. I want to travel, enjoy my career, spend time with my partner. But I think I'm second guessing that decision for me. I'm thinking about having a big family. A husband probably 2 kids, a cat and a French bulldog. I want them to spend time with their grandparents, great grandparents, and hope my husband has a big family so they can spend time with cousins and family friends. If I can't have a big family to spend the holidays with now in the present, I'll make one in the the future.