As I prepare for the arrival of my first baby, I feel a mix of emotions. I am afraid, happy and a little bit sad. I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of preparation I have to do. No one ever told me that I would be putting this much effort into a baby before the baby is even here. I have spent more than 12 hours in the nursery building, arranging, rearranging and getting things ready for our little one. I have broken down crying more times than I can count and I have had to sit down because I was shaking so bad from the fear I was feeling.

Am I 100-percent ready? Absolutely not. No one is ever 100-percent ready for the arrival of a new human. But am I willing to do what I need to do to make sure she is happy and healthy? Absolutely. I will do everything I have to do even if it means I give up what I want. That’s what you do when you’re a parent and I am more than ready to make sacrifices for the benefit of my daughter.

I will admit that I am pretty scared. My entire life is about to change so it only makes sense that I am afraid. However,I am not afraid of the labor and delivery part because that’s the easier part of what comes next, but I am afraid of having a little tiny person that will rely on me for everything. I am afraid that I will not be good enough for her and that I will fail her. I am afraid that she will grow up to hate me. I am afraid that I will not be able to give her everything she deserves. I’m afraid I won’t be a good mother.

But, on the other hand, I am excited. I am excited to hold my little one and kiss her small face. I am excited to watch my fiance fall in love with her. I am excited to watch her grow but I am desperate to keep her small. I am excited for the moments to come and the memories we will make as a family. I am excited to be a mother and I am excited to fall in love with my daughter and do my best to be a good mother.

But while fear and excitement battle to be felt the most, there is some underlying sadness. I am not sad because my silent, sleep-filled nights are soon going to be exchanged for sleepless nights full of crying and soothing. I am sad because soon, I will no longer have her inside of me. I will watch her hiccup and hold her while she does rather than watch my belly jump each time she does. I will watch her wiggle around and kick her legs around rather than feel those oh so lovely rib shots. I am sad because I will no longer be able to be selfish and keep her all to myself. I am sad because I will no longer be able to protect her from everything in the world.

So, as I prepare for my first baby, I cry. I cry because I am scared. I cry because I am excited. I cry because I am sad. I even cry because I saw the price of diapers again earlier and they are way too expensive for something that is going to be thrown away. As I sit here and look around her room, which has become my favorite room in the house, I picture her in here. I picture falling asleep in the rocking chair my mother gave to me with my daughter in my arms because it’s 4 a.m. and she was hungry. I picture the overflowing laundry basket full of clothes with spit up and milk on them. I picture her in her swing being soothed by that song I’ve had to listen to for five-hours straight because nothing else would calm her down. I picture my happiness.

As I prepare for my first baby, I say goodbye to the routine I’ve grown so used to and welcome the smelly diapers and nighttime feedings with open arms. I may be an 18-year-old college sophomore that “had her life ahead of her,” but I am opening my arms up wide to motherhood. Maybe this isn’t the way I had pictured my life, but it’s my life and it’s as perfect as my daughter will be.