You heard it. I've been praying for you since I was maybe 15 years old. I still don't know who you are or who God has you picked out to be, and I don't think I'm anywhere close to finding out.
What I'm coming to learn is that when you try to control your life, nothing really turns out right. It's like playing tug-of-war with God and knowing that you will end up face planted on the ground with grass up your nose and a chipped tooth. So have I been praying for you? Yes. But have I been letting God take full control of my life? Probably not.
Also, I feel as though singleness is truly a season of preparation for who God has in store for you.
Sometimes I'd like to think that I'm the world's most "okay-ish" person and that I'm fully developed into the woman that God has created me to be, but then I realize that I'm lying to myself. I'm probably the most screwed-up person that I know - which is a sign that I am not ready for you yet. I haven't been living my life in a way that glorifies God... at all.
I haven't become a girl who is full of joy and can laugh without fear of the future. I start to think about the future and I suddenly panic. All of the time. I also try to control it, which never works. I am not always patient, kind, or able to not be envious. I don't always exhibit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control. In other words, I am one of the world's biggest sinners. And I know it.
I crave to be the strong woman of God who never has doubts, fears, or major anxiety. I have been praying for you, but I haven't been making any steps in my life to actually improve. Quite frankly, I've been moving backward. And I fear that getting further away from God as lead me further away from you.
I know God's timing is perfect, and you will hopefully exist.
But I also know that in this season of waiting, it's my job to become the woman who loves the Lord unconditionally and learns to actually trust that perfect timing.
