No one ever taught us how to handle anger towards someone who is now in our past. Sure; we are taught to be kind and forgiving. However, most of us are filled with anger, hostility, and hold fury against those who have wronged them in some way who are now a part of their past. Our past defines us, doesn't it? It shows us what we have done wrong and that our wrongs are supposed to teach us how to do right. Our past shows our journey to who we have become today, right now. Our past is our story, it holds our honor, our secrets; but most importantly it holds the loves we have lost. I don't want to be angry with my past, but I don't want to be at peace with it either, mainly because I wish I could change certain things, and one of those things was letting you leave. I hold no anger, I don't curse the name of my love, nor do I wish him badly, instead; I chose to pray. I pray for you every day.
Every night when I lay down, curled up in my blankets, I lay my head on my pillow, I look up to my ceiling, and I wonder at that very moment what you are doing, I wonder where you are in this world, I wonder if you have nights where you lay awake and think of me. Before I fall asleep, I fold my hands, hold back tears and I pray. I pray that where ever you are, that you are safe. I pray that whoever you are with, that you are happy. I pray that your family is safe and healthy. The last thing that I always pray for, though, my biggest and greatest prayer, I pray that if it is God's will for us to end up together that he would warm our hearts, and to bring us back together one day.
I have cried way too many times. I have cried myself to sleep countless nights, screaming until my throat is raw into my pillow. Begging and pleading that you'd come back. I have gotten so angry, angry with things that I remember about us, angry with how things happened, and furious with the way we handled those things. I have had every single emotion a human can feel towards my past. The word regret sticks in my mind like it was in bold print. Regretful thoughts and actions swarm my mind like bees circling their hive.
As a writer, I sit down and think to myself, "What do I want to write about this week?" I use to hate the fact that you were the first thing that popped into my head. I hated that you were my muse. I hated that you still had that power without knowing it. But now, I see the beauty in it. I see the beauty and the wonder within every page that fills my mind with little echoes of you. I pray that that never goes away. I pray that no matter where my words and my life take me, that you are still the first thing I want to write for.
I pray for my past every day. I pray for the people who have left, the people who have passed, and the people that I have wronged. I pray that my heart becomes less heavy, I pray that yours does as well. I pray that one day, I will realize why everything happens for a reason. But for now, I'm okay praying for someone who I know doesn't think of me often, because if he knows it or not, he's still my muse, and he is still it.
If It is your will to bring people back into my life from my past, let your will be done, and I will serve you even if you don't bring back the people my heart longs for. You know best, and I know that your plan is greater than all of ours. But if it is your will, please bring him back to me.
