Power, I've trembled beneath power, as it gripped my throat as I begged on my knees. Power in his eyes, the feelings of power drove him to belittle, bend, and break me. I was powerless against power. I allowed him to control me, hurt me, I allowed his twisted words to enter my soul and leave marks all over it. Angel, I was his angel. He drew a picture of me once, bent, torn wings, I was shackled to the ground, he made it seem like he was going to free me, his love for me was going to save me from myself. Young, dumb, the need to be loved, appreciated burning within me, I believed him. The power of young love, I adored him, but then it changed, the power of love became war. Battles almost every day, on the days we did not fight, I had to participate in the love he felt that day, at least I thought I had to. Pretend to be happy, worship him, adore him, I had to keep him happy. Scared, beaten down, unsure child, stayed for almost three years. Power can be a frightening thing, until you see that "power" for what it really is. Demented, damaged, evil, manipulative, and yet, at times I felt as though I still loved him. Yet I despised him. The power of abuse, the impact it can leave on someone. I felt vulnerable, cornered, but I learned how to deal with him. I began to understand the tune, and did and said everything right, almost every time. He hated me because I made him feel powerless, but he would love me again and again, when he took my power away to make himself feel stronger. I was fearful of what power could do to someone. I tried to find some amount of strength within myself, tried to not fully give in to his darkness. I was powerful though, I was powerful enough to stay when I was told it could cause others harm if I left. I was protecting others, I knew I was being manipulated, abused, but I decided he would have to leave, I could never leave him. Fear is powerful, uncertainty is powerful. People typically ask why the abused did not leave the abuser, it isn't always that easy. Would you rather see your enemy, or have your back turned? What you fear most lurking in the shadows, doing whatever, whenever. Are they angry with me? Will they hurt the ones I love? Not knowing was harder than knowing. Victims are powerful even if we have fallen to power, shook at its feet and begged for forgiveness. Even if we went back over and over, we are still powerful because we did what we thought was best, despite what we knew would take place against that power. One day though, I woke up and I realized something, he wasn't power, he was weak. He felt powerful because he was hurting me, he felt powerful when he left me in a crying heap. He told me I would never go to college, that I would never amount to anything, he promised to break me to the point of never being able to be fixed, to the point of never feeling powerful. He told me I would never find love, that I was not meant for it. Words are powerful, said enough times, they begin to stick, slowly seeping deeper and deeper into you, becoming more and more permanent, becoming ever present in your mind. For a long time, what he promised was true, or so I believed. I went into a downward spiral, I lost myself. I felt powerless against this dark presence inside of me. I gave up. Power never fully left me, I just thought it did. I am a college student, I am trying to be happy, I am bettering myself every day. I have experienced love, and I have experienced pain since him, but I have never felt weak like I did when I was with him. I know I hold power too. We are not victims we are survivors, and we are powerful.
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Health and Wellness
To The Burnt-Out College Student, Keep Going
When you're struggling to keep afloat, keep going.
2h
311
College is super hard. Between working, studying, and having a social life, it feels like a struggle to just keep afloat.
I understand. When you feel like your drowning and there's no way to stay afloat I understand that it feels like everyone else is doing just fine. I understand all the frustration, long nights in the library, and that feeling that you want to just throw in the towel. I understand that sometimes it's too hard to get out of bed because your brain is already filled with too much information to remember. I understand because I am also feeling pretty burnt out.
Sometimes picking up a pencil to do homework in the library feels like picking up a car. Sometimes I don't even make it to the library to study because I have no motivation to walk there. I'm in my junior year and my advisor has recently told me I am not graduating on time and basically my GPA sucks. I cried in her office and for two days after that. I work two jobs sometimes seven days a week. I spend my free time in the library trying to submit my homework on time. On my drive to my second job, I listen to a nutrition podcast about what's actually happening in the field. I've been drowning since the first day of classes. Keeping afloat is a daily struggle that I'm getting really tired of doing. But I'm going to anyway.
Everyone in college is feeling burnt out to some degree. Graduating "on time" doesn't happen for everyone. Sometimes your GPA sucks because you have a lot on your plate. Whether it's family issues, taking classes year round, a stressful job, lots of classwork, or just the stress you put on yourself, everyone is feeling burnt out. And I know you feel like you're the only one. Trust me sometimes I feel alone in that too. But after graduation, you'll be thankful for all the stress and anxiety you had in college. When you reach your goals in life you'll look back and be grateful things happened the way they did because you came out stronger.
It's okay to have days that you contemplate dropping out. But acknowledge that and keep going. Break up your work into manageable chunks and keep going. Buy a planner and write down all your assignments and the time they're due so you can time manage better and keep going. Clock into your job and do what you have to do and keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.
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Health and Wellness
No Matter How Challenging School Gets, You Have To Put Your Health First — A Degree Won't Mean Anything If You're Dead
Panicking and pulling all-nighters will not allow you to get an A.
6h
310
Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash
Some of the best advice I've ever received was from my social studies teacher in sophomore year of high school. He stated, "If you don't know it at midnight, you're not going to know it for the 8 a.m. exam, so get some sleep."
It's such a simple piece of advice, but it holds so much accuracy and it's something that the majority of college students need to hear and listen to. "All-nighters" are a commonality on college campuses in order to cram in studying for an exam that is typically the next day.
Although it seems like you're obtaining so much valuable information in that period of time, the lack of sleep most likely is causing you to retain little to no information at all. There's a reason that doctors recommend a certain amount of sleep, especially for students, because that's the amount they need to function properly throughout their school day.
Putting aside even half an hour a day to dedicate to that subject could alleviate the pressure you feel right before the exam because you'll feel comfortable and familiar with the material. This could benefit what is known as the mental health portion of the health triangle.
In the eighth grade, my health teacher lectured on for multiple classes about something called the "health triangle." It consists of three components; mental, social, and physical health. The message of the lectures was always that the triangle contains a domino effect, with each part of it affecting the others. If one section is displeased, the others will follow in their footsteps.
This lesson is one I have valued for over five years because while carrying out my everyday activities, I've realized how valid this theory is.
Many college kids feel as though they need to stay inside the library or their dorm during any free time in order to do homework or study. This will negatively affect both the mental and physical aspects of the triangle, therefore throwing everything off. Yes, the majority of a college student's time should be spent performing school-related tasks, but it's important for students to go out and be entertained even an hour per week in order to not completely lose their mind.
By "going out," in no way do I mean parties, bars, or anything related to that. Even something as simple as sitting in your friend's dorm and talking about life for an hour can reboot your brain to prepare it to return to studying.
In terms of the physical segment of the health triangle, many people think of this as just diet and exercise. While that is partly true, it also involves personal hygiene.
Many college kids eat their sorrows away with the junk food that they're surrounded by on campus. Others skip most meals in order to have that extra 20 minutes to study for their midterms. In either case, that isn't good for your body and surely isn't going to help you in your classes. Proper meals give you the energy you need to finish studying for that midterm you have coming up.
I've witnessed so many students walk around campus with their hair unbrushed, haven't showered in days, haven't bothered changing out of their clothes from the previous day, and practicing other gross habits. Trust me when I say that it's okay, and even important, to set aside an hour to practice proper personal hygiene. It will allow you to feel better about yourself and put you in a better mood to get your work done.
Although worrying is inevitable, in no way will it help you get a better grade, but could instead make your grades suffer. We've probably all looked at a test at least once in our lives and completely blanked on all of the answers simply because we were so scared about the grade.
Deducing stress could be helped by all of the advice already stated, time management, office hours, and tutoring. It's okay to ask for help, whether that be from a peer, a teacher, or upperclassmen. College isn't meant to be easy, but there are ways you can make it easier.
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Featured
Warnings About College To Incoming Freshmen As Told By Gifs
College is hard, but you will make it through.
10h
412
Wordpress
1. You will have that special "college" look to you.
2. You will feel like an adult but also feeling like a child.
3. You will have classes that are just the professor reading from their lecture slides for an hour.
4. You will need to study but also want to hang out with your friends.
5. Coffee is your best friend.
6. You don't know what you're doing 99% of the time.
7. You will procrastinate and write a paper the night before it is due.
8. Money is a mythical object.
9. It is nearly impossible to motivate yourself to go to classes during spring.
10. The food pyramid goes out the window.
11. You will have at least one stress induced breakdown a semester.
12. Most lecture classes will bore you to tears.
13. You will not like all of your professors.
14. You will try to go to the gym... but you will get too lazy at some point.
15. When you see high school students taking tours:
16. You will try to convince yourself that you can handle everything.
17. Finals week will try to kill you.
18. You won't like everyone, but you will find your best friends sooner or later.
19. You actually have to go to class.
20. Enjoy it, because you will be sad when it is all over.
Health and Wellness
Obsessive Thoughts Keep My Brain Stuck On A Loop And Me Stuck On My Couch
The more I research, the more I worry, the more I get stuck.
17h
578
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Sometimes my brain just starts turning on an idea and it doesn't want to stop.
I don't know if it is related to my anxiety, perfectionism or depression. I don't know why it happens. It's frustrating, it's painful and it stops me from functioning.
I will research whatever I am thinking about for hours, without realizing it, and neglect what I need to be doing. I simply cannot let it go. It's like my brain gets stuck in a loop.
Let's call my obsessive idea X. My brain will worry about X, research X, realize X is a long time away, wish X was closer, wonder if X is possible and then start all over again at worry about X.
Before I know it, I have five or more tabs open on my internet browser, I am crying because I don't know if X is possible, and it is 2 a.m.
I have been stuck for hours. Stuck in my head. Stuck in my worry. Stuck in my idea. Stuck in the fantasy of it coming true. Stuck in worrying that it will only ever BE a fantasy when I seriously dream of it as a reality. I am stuck.
It's especially bad when the thoughts about X permeate into almost every moment. My brain has latched on, hard. I want it to let go. I want to remember that things have a way of working out. I want to remember that X is years away, and I don't have to have every problem worked out, every process understood and every question answered right this minute.
But I can't. I can't release it. I can't get my brain to unlatch itself and move on. It just keeps aiming for whatever X is.
It's painful. It's frustrating. It will leave me crying. I have found myself on my couch, crying, holding my head and begging my brain to just stop. Stop thinking about X. Stop obsessing over X. Please, just stop. Please, just give me a break.
I have found these cyclical thought processes often stem from me being unhappy in one way or another. The more unhappy I am with my situation, the deeper my brain dives into X.
The more I research, the more I worry, the more I get stuck.
It all correlates with something making me depressed. I want to change something. I want to move, change myself, change what I am doing or change how people know me. I feel insecure. I feel ashamed. I feel stuck. So my brain turns to X. And it sticks to X.
Even if X really is something I could do in the future, my brain will pick X apart and find all the worries, all the complicated processes, all the things that could go wrong.
And so I will end up on my couch, with my laptop, for hours and hours, researching X and forgetting about how unhappy I am — until I come out of my trance and realize I am even more unhappy than I was before, just hours later and with more worries.
These thoughts are not jokes. I cannot just switch them off. I cannot just stop thinking about it. Trust me, I want to.
And I never know how long it will take for X to become a goal rather than an obsession.
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Swoon
To The Girls With "Daddy Issues," You Are Worthy Of The Love He Never Gave You
You are not alone.
18 January
6904
This is for the girls who have dealt with an emotionally, mentally, physically or verbally abusive father.
The ones who have grown up with a false lens of what love is and how relationships should be. The ones who have cried themselves to sleep wondering why he hurts you and your family so much. This is for all the girls who fall in love with broken boys that carry baggage bigger than their own, thinking it's their job to heal them because you watched your mother do the same.
This is for the girls who swear to the heavens they are done with men and wouldn't dare consider marriage in fear of themselves and their future children being stuck like they once were — the ones with such rage and anger burning inside of them from years of tolerating the abuse and the ones who have shut themselves off emotionally. And especially to the ones whose hearts long for a father to love them the way it's described in stories and fairytales.
Why should we have to be labeled from the damage at the hands of a man who promised to love and protect us?
Your "Daddy Issues" do not define you. They do not define me.
The anger that burns inside of you that wasn't always there does not define you. It does not define me.
The love we lacked and sought time and time again through empty promises of change does not define you. It does not define me.
I am not going to be a hypocrite and make this letter about positivity and hope for the future and all of that good fluffy stuff because that's all we've ever known. "Act normal"... What is normal for a normal person in a normal household with a normal father? Is there such a thing? Are their families that don't walk on eggshells? "Don't start him up," "Don't roll your eyes," "He's in a good mood so don't mess up the day for us"... These sentences have become second nature to me... Have become part of my identity.
I walk on eggshells, have anger in my heart, and a brain that's trying to understand that the way he acts has nothing to do with me, but his childhood traumas. Part of me is uninterested in marriage and the idea of things being fluffy and sweet, only to turn sour after you walk down the aisle.
I want to love and be loved, but I know I can't do that until I fix myself. I want to heal but moving forward and still living here doesn't help. I want to be forgiving, but I don't know how...
To those who are going through the same thing... You are not alone. I am not alone.
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