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Postponing Motherhood

Just because I wasn't ready doesn't mean I deserved it.

Sarah Blake

Jan 09, 2017

Eastern Arizona College

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On December 4th, 2015, I took an at home pregnancy test and was frozen. Starring at the plus sign on that little stick for two minutes took me back to a time where I would've been absolutely terrified of having a baby but I surprised myself. I was happy. I was genuinely excited to bring a small being into the world. Showering and getting ready for work was exhilarating. Suppressing my nausea was bad, but all the excitement made it fade.

Finding the courage to text Daniel was what brought my nausea back. I was so scared of his reaction, but he was just nervous. I told him at home pregnancy tests are wrong sometimes so I was gonna go see the doctor the next day. Sleeping that night was incredibly hard. One, because I had never felt like throwing up more in my life. And two, because that doctors visit would determine my future.

I will never forget the amount of blood I was covered in when I woke up. All I could do was cry. That doctors office never seemed so sad before and I knew the second my doctor stepped into the room with my tests results and I saw her face that my fears were confirmed, my baby was gone.

I was only a couple weeks along and I had only known for a good 24 hours but I already had so much love for that tiny thing. Telling Daniel killed me. All I could do was cry and even though we weren't together anymore, the hug he gave me meant the world to me. His reaction to the news though, scared me. He was so angry. At what, I don't know but I've never seen him punch a punching bag so hard. It broke my heart.

I miss what could have been every single day. Scrolling through my Facebook timeline is so hard sometimes because 60% of the pictures and posts are from my friends who are parents with unplanned babies. They're either ultrasound pictures or monthly baby bump pictures or posts of them complaining about morning sickness and I catch myself silently praying to be able to complain about morning sickness.

I try and stay positive but telling myself I'm not ready for a baby makes me very sad. Did the universe think I wasn't ready for a baby but a 16 year old girl in high school was more ready then I am? That's what kills me. That another person in this world was more ready than I was just because.

Do not ever tell a woman who lost a baby it was her fault. Do not ever make a woman who isn't that old feel like she deserved to lose her baby just because she wasn't ready. I will never forget that little thing that I could've brought into the world. Never.

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Postponing Motherhood

Just because I wasn't ready doesn't mean I deserved it.

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The struggles of having an RBF are all too real

1. People asking if you're mad at them.

2. Those people who hand out flyers don't always try to stop you.

3. Creepy guys telling you to smile.

4. "I thought you were a bitch when I first met you."

5. People telling you you'd be "so much prettier if you smiled."

6. Doing your makeup and looking great, which somehow intensifies the bitch face.

7. Regularly explaining "it's just my face."

We all go through certain stages when we have a crush, Tina just explains it better.

That moment that someone you never looked twice at suddenly makes you do a double take out of no where.

But you can't have a crush, that's outrageous. It's all in your head.

Because you don't have a crush, there's no reason to tell anyone about anything. Right?

But then they do something irresistible and you start to lose it.

Now accepting the fact you have a crush, you have to keep it under control.

Then there's the part where you tell your friends who will claim they called it.

They'll be excited and cheer you on. That's until they realize that your crush is all you'll be talking about.

Your obsession has become so bad, that your Facebook stalking is getting out of control.

But your friends will try and help move things along any way they can. That doesn't mean it will be any helpful though.

As time goes on, you start having fantasies about the two of you and it's starting to scare you a little.

You can't focus on anything because all your attention is on them and everything they do.

Anybody who comes near your crush is now an enemy, and you are willing to fight for your crush.

When you see them, you act like an idiot. Trying to hide your feelings may not be as discrete as you think.

Keeping your feelings inside will start to be harder and harder until you can't keep it inside anymore.

Who knows, maybe it will work out? Take a chance.

Everybody hurts sometimes.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

What about those of us who don't do it all in four years?

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3. Senioritis is more real than ever.

4. You may feel a little down sometimes.

5. Fear of missing out won't be as real.

6. You are a college pro.

7. You'll have more free time.

8. You're happy you're still in school.

9. You feel like a guru.

10. You continue to grow.

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