On December 4th, 2015, I took an at home pregnancy test and was frozen. Starring at the plus sign on that little stick for two minutes took me back to a time where I would've been absolutely terrified of having a baby but I surprised myself. I was happy. I was genuinely excited to bring a small being into the world. Showering and getting ready for work was exhilarating. Suppressing my nausea was bad, but all the excitement made it fade.
Finding the courage to text Daniel was what brought my nausea back. I was so scared of his reaction, but he was just nervous. I told him at home pregnancy tests are wrong sometimes so I was gonna go see the doctor the next day. Sleeping that night was incredibly hard. One, because I had never felt like throwing up more in my life. And two, because that doctors visit would determine my future.
I will never forget the amount of blood I was covered in when I woke up. All I could do was cry. That doctors office never seemed so sad before and I knew the second my doctor stepped into the room with my tests results and I saw her face that my fears were confirmed, my baby was gone.
I was only a couple weeks along and I had only known for a good 24 hours but I already had so much love for that tiny thing. Telling Daniel killed me. All I could do was cry and even though we weren't together anymore, the hug he gave me meant the world to me. His reaction to the news though, scared me. He was so angry. At what, I don't know but I've never seen him punch a punching bag so hard. It broke my heart.
I miss what could have been every single day. Scrolling through my Facebook timeline is so hard sometimes because 60% of the pictures and posts are from my friends who are parents with unplanned babies. They're either ultrasound pictures or monthly baby bump pictures or posts of them complaining about morning sickness and I catch myself silently praying to be able to complain about morning sickness.
I try and stay positive but telling myself I'm not ready for a baby makes me very sad. Did the universe think I wasn't ready for a baby but a 16 year old girl in high school was more ready then I am? That's what kills me. That another person in this world was more ready than I was just because.
Do not ever tell a woman who lost a baby it was her fault. Do not ever make a woman who isn't that old feel like she deserved to lose her baby just because she wasn't ready. I will never forget that little thing that I could've brought into the world. Never.
