Having a baby is supposed to be one of the best times in your life. You deliver him and snuggle him in your arms real close. Everyone snaps those first raw pictures, but they aren't capturing the whole story. They aren't seeing that yes you love that little baby more than anything but you just can't connect. This was me. This is me. Postpartum Depression, its real, its scary, but I'm hear to tell you that it's ok.
The First Week Home
The first week home was and is the worst in my opinion. Everyone wants to come over and smother the baby with love and kisses. But you on the other hand want to just sleep. And if you are suffering from PPD, you may be a lot like me. I didn't want want visitors. I didn't want anyone touching my baby. I didn't want to sleep. I just wanted to clean. Or watch Netflix. Luckily my husband had a week of maternity leave with me so he was home to help a lot and at night my mother stayed with us. But although they were there to help and I was never alone, I had never felt more alone or helpless or useless in my whole life. I remember the first struggle I had that I could tell something was not right in my head. My son was 3 days old and we were breastfeeding. Anyone who has ever breastfed know the first week is horrible. Well I was feeding, my nipples were cracked, I was bleeding and he just wouldn't stop eating even though I was in pain. I just kept yelling i need this kid off. I literally hyperventilated because I was so mad at my innocent baby for eating. I honestly tried to tell my mom that something didn't feel right. But what mother wants her daughter to be depressed. So she just told me I was adjusting to this new life. As the first week came to an end i remember that I had hardly slept, I barely ate, and I just wanted to cry all the time. While my mom was with us I used her as crutch. She helped with everything from feedings to midnight diaper changes. She did all the things I mentally felt I couldn't do. So Saturday rolled around and she was going to be going back home Sunday. I had a breakdown. I cried for hours. So she told me she would stay another week. Thank god she did. I can honestly say if she wouldn't have. I would not be alive today.
Week 2
I remember this was the worst week of my life. Taylor had went back to work my mom was back at work it was just me. I remember that we had an appointment to check the healing of his circumcision and he just wouldn't stop crying. I fed him changed him. Played with him. But he wouldn't stop. As I loaded my screaming kid in the car I can remember me bawling my eyes out as well. I just wanted him to stop. Now I have to say this next part is a trigger warning! I pulled up to the highway at 9 a.m and sat there for 15 minutes. Both of us still crying. And I just thought. I can pull this vehicle out in front of one of these semis and end it all. My husband would be better off. I can say that if God hadn't literally told me it's not worth it Myka, I would have done it. I finally made it to the Doctor and no one even suspected the struggle I just endured. How could they though. I put on a brace face and a smile. That night my husband got home and could tell I had been crying and had a rough day but he didn't know how deep it actually went. He gave me a few bucks and told me to go to the store and get myself something sweet. I was already crying because I was so overwhelmed. Once again I pulled up to the highway. But this time I was going to do it. I kept telling myself that my son and husband would be better off not dealing with a suicidal mental case. But again I just heard in my spirit. Myka it's not worth it. So I bawled my eyes out on the way to the store. I remember the next day was better babywise. But my mentality was gone. I had finally gotten my son down for a nap and had planned to kill myself. I strategically planned it. My husband would be home from work in 35 minutes. I had planned to take some prescription medication I was prescribed and OD. I sat in the bathroom contemplating on it. Waiting for the voice to tell me it wasn't worth it. But it never did. I finally worked up the nerve to do it. But my son woke up. To this day I consider my son my saving grace. I texted my mom and husband and told them we needed to talk as soon as they got home.
When they both got home I sat them down and told them I was depressed and suicidal. I told them everything I felt. The next week my mom made me a doctors appt to talk about getting some help.
I was put on Zoloft. And it has done wonders.
But medication isn't always the sole answer. I have a few saving graces in my life. And I'm sure they don't even know how much they helped me. Kristina and Teel if y'all read this I just want you to know how much i love and appreciate you more than you will ever know. Thank you for always inviting me over and loving on me and helping me grow closer to God.
I have had one relapse since finding out i suffer from PPD. Every day is a struggle but every day is worth living. This life is messy and crazy. Especially throwing a baby into the mix of things. But every moment is worth living.
If you or someone you know is suffering from PPD please talk to someone! If you feel like you can't please call 800-994-4PPD
Or 800-PPD-MOMS
Or even call your doctor a pastor or a close friend. PPD is not something to mess with.
Remember moms. We all have our struggles. We all have our days. But each and every one of us has a purpose. We are all beautiful and we are all loved.
Feel free to share your stories with me as well.
XOXO
Myka
