Postpartum Depression? Postpartum OCD.
Odds are, if you haven't been living under a rock for the last 25 years, you've heard of Postpartum Depression. Postpartum Depression lasts longer than the typical "baby blues" — some women are fortunate enough to only suffer that sadness for two weeks. There can be many variations of Postpartum mood disorders and today we're going to talk about one. There's Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum manic bipolar disorder, Postpartum PTSD, Postpartum Panic Attack Disorder, but I want to tell you about one very near and dear to my heart, Postpartum OCD.
I remained in the dark about what I was going through, because I thought for sure I must be crazy. I was ashamed. During the brightest and most beautiful days of the year all I wanted to do was cry, and breastfeed, then cry and breastfeed, then cry some more. I was constantly paralyzed with fear.
About a month after I had my daughter, I got the flu and went to the emergency room to get fluids. I had been doing great with new motherhood and everything was going awesome, until it wasn't.
I stayed home with my daughter while her father worked, and when I got the flu I became obsessed with the thought that I would be in the bathroom getting sick and my daughter would be crying for me. I kept picturing myself getting sick while breastfeeding and no one was there to help. The thought never disappeared, until it was replaced with a new scary thought, and it continued, and for awhile, each thought more anxiety inducing than the last. I would not be able to stop thinking about these things, and I would shut down completely.
I didn't want to do much of anything at all other than give care to my daughter and watch funny shows on Netflix to try and drown out how horrible I was feeling.
When you think of OCD, you think of the people who clean 24/7 or organize their bookshelf alphabetically. But, have you ever wondered why they clean so much or why their bookshelf is alphabetically arranged? Because they have intrusive thoughts and obsessions. They could obsess over getting sick, so they constantly sterilize every item in their home. They could obsess over the possibility that they may need a particular book in a particular circumstance and having the bookshelf organized makes them feel less fear about the 0.01% chance there would be an emergency where they need "The Lord of the Flies." The act of obsessively cleaning or organizing the bookshelf would be considered a compulsion.
If only I could tell you that Postpartum OCD centered around book related emergencies, it doesn't.
During the hormonal changes and chemical imbalance and complete depletion of nutrients from placenta after birth, something weird happens in each and every one of us, but we all experience it differently. Sally might be obsessed with the thought of someone kidnapping her baby, while Janet might have anxiety about strangers holding her baby, and Stella may be too sad to even hold hers.
Many mothers experience unwanted, horrifying, intrusive thoughts — it is important to get these diagnosed so you are sure you are treated accordingly. I had a nurse who told me her neighbor had unwanted thoughts of putting her baby in the microwave, and she in response threw away her microwave because she obviously didn't really want to put her baby in the microwave, but OCD is scary. You have these irrational unexplainable fears that seemingly pop up out of nowhere and go to extremes, but it's important to note that these thoughts are of anxious nature and not your intentions.
I struggled because I thought I had postpartum depression, no one in my area knew what I had. I was exhausted from trying treatment plans that just didn't work. I went to the Postpartum Support International website and found a certified PSI therapist about two hours from home and I made an appointment, within five minutes she told me immediately it was OCD, and it was normal.
Normal? How is it normal to not let anyone babysit your kid because you're afraid they'll trip and fall while holding them when they walk down the stairs? How is it normal to be afraid the dog will eat the baby? How is it normal to vividly dream of your baby getting kidnapped?
Because your hormones are all out of whack, and that's what OCD is.
Actress Brooke Shields suffered with Postpartum, showing that no one is immune to the horror that is this TEMPORARY and TREATABLE illness.
"I suffered from Post-natal depression after Rowan was born. I had a healthy, beautiful baby girl and I couldn't look at her. I couldn't hold her, smile at her. All I wanted was to disappear and die." -Brooke Sheilds.
This is very real, and never talked about. No mother is ever going to sit there and openly tell you about the time when her baby was three weeks old and she cried for hours because she pictured something horrible happening to her baby that she loves so much. I want to tell you that as abnormal as you feel, it is so, so common. 1 in 7 mothers will experience a postpartum mood disorder and there is effective treatment out there, you will heal and your will get your life back.
To the person reading this article who doesn't think they have postpartum depression and they're like "oh my god, these women are nuts." I'm going to explain OCD and intrusive thoughts in a way everyone can understand.
Say your driving on a really big bridge over the water, and you start to think "what would happen if I drove off" that doesn't mean you want to drive off the bridge, but you obsess over all the things that could happen, and you drive a little slower and move to the middle lane.
I write this knowing anyone who has not had Postpartum will have trouble understanding, but I wrote this so the mother silently struggling will feel understood.
#askamother.
